Title: Stages Of Gale- Epilogue
Author: phobosgirl
Date: 12/27/04
Rating: G
Authors notes: This ficklet is un-beta’d blah blah blah. Feedback is more than welcome and can be sent to phobosgirl@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: This is only for fun. None of this is real nor should any implication be made based on this manuscript that I have any insider info on either of these two fine men.
Warnings: none
Complete: yes (really)


Stages Of Gale- Epilogue

We were due back in Toronto to start filming season three in just a few weeks, but I was enjoying my hiatus in the Village and was determined to make the most of the beautiful fall weather. I donned my “I love NY” baseball cap, tied a hoodie around my waist, put on my most comfortable tennis shoes and headed out for a long walk- I’d play “tourist” this morning and then have lunch at some little outdoor café. The day held the promise of wonder.

Dashing down the 3 flights of stairs to street level (better than a workout at the gym!) I blasted out into the sunshine with a shout of delight.

Wonder, indeed. He stood leaning against his car, badly parked on the opposite side of the street with one front tire resting on the curb, his arms crossed in that same position of tense contemplation as when I had found him waiting for me in the studio parking lot more than two years ago. His head snapped up at my outburst and before he could censor himself, a huge grin lit his face.

My breath caught in my throat. Had he ever looked so beautiful or so out of place?

Emotions warred in me and I instantly flashed back to the last time I’d seen him. We’d beaten each other up, as much emotionally as physically, and then he’d walked away looking like a man who’d been kicked hard in the balls. I was furious with him. I missed him. I had so many angry things I wanted to shout at him. I couldn’t think of a thing he needed to hear from me. I loved him. I loved him. I hated him. I loved him.

His cell phone had been disconnected soon after the last season wrap and if dialed, his home phone rang repeatedly, unanswered. I didn’t call him but others had, Thea in particular, and they’d told me in worried voices that he was MIA. I tried hard not to fret but the scenario I’d concocted while sitting in the floor of a public bathroom so many months ago persisted and wouldn’t let me laugh off his disappearance. The only people who’d finally been able to communicate with him had been Ron and Dan and for that they’d been forced to go through his agent. They assured us he’d be back for season three and I was placated, if not uneasy.

I stood outside the door to my apartment building watching him watch me from across the street. His grin slowly died when he saw I wasn’t returning it and a frown took over his entire face.

“Everyone thought you’d dropped off the face of the earth,” I finally called over to him, breaking the silence.

He nodded absently. “I had to get away for a while. There were things I needed to decide.”

I’d be damned if I was going to ask what those things were, despite my burning need to know; I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking I cared. But even still, I stayed rooted to the sidewalk when I could just as easily have started walking and lose him in the streets of New York City.

I stared hard at him, silently urging him to go on, to tell me more about these decisions he’d made that were so important that he’d had to scare everyone who loved him by vanishing, but he remained silent, scrutinizing me.

Finally frustrated, I shouted to him, “What are you doing here, then?”

He nodded again, this time to himself, as if he were completing an internal dialogue he’d started even before I’d emerged from my building. I waited.

Finally he spread his hands, stood up straight and said, “I can’t do it without you.”

“What?” I blinked.

“I said,” he stepped towards me, crossing the street, “I can’t do it-“

“Yeah, I got that,” I rasped. “What can’t you do?” I hated myself for being so desperately in need of hearing his answer.

“All of it,” he said cryptically. I shrugged in confusion.

“My life, Randy. I can’t do it without you. When did that happen?” He was asking me? How should I know? “I tried. I was too… without you, I was so… alone.”

I shrugged again as if disinterested, although I suddenly became aware of the sound of my heart beating again. Had it stopped the night he’d walked away from me? Or had I been unable to hear it since then through my grief?

“Get a dog,” I snapped.

A ghost of a smile passed his lips and then he said, “I don’t want a dog.”

“You sure about that? Because that’s how you treated me, you know. Sit up. Fetch. Roll over. Beg.”

“You’re right, Randy,” he capitulated, “all of it. You’re right.”

“Yay me,” I said quietly, wincing at my own sarcasm.

“I can do better,” he let the statement (or was it an offer?) hang in the crisp morning air and stepped closer to me. “Randy-“

“You used me,” I accused, finally finding a voice for my anger.

“Yes-“

“Play your games with someone else!” I started walking, hoping both that he’d follow me and that he’d get in his car and leave. What was it about him that managed to tangle me in such secure knots?

“This isn’t a game!” He snatched at my arm but I was quicker and dodged contact with him. I had no idea how much fire he would ignite in me if I let him touch me and I wasn’t about to find out. He settled for keeping up with the fast pace I set, though his longer legs insured that I’d be winded before him. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

“Randy,” he huffed, “I can do it now. I can be with you. I want to be with you.”

My snort of disbelief was enough of an answer.

“I love you, does that count for anything?” he tried again.

I only walked faster.

“Randy, I’m sorry! I take full responsibility for all of it. I fucked it up. I used you and made you wait while I took my own sweet time realizing how important you are to me. Then just to show you what a nice guy I am so you’d love me again, I attacked you. I damned near raped you! And then I left you.”

He stopped walking abruptly and I turned to see why. He was standing in the middle of the sidewalk with his hands covering his face, shaking his head.

“Christ,” he mumbled into his palms, “when I say it like that, I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again.” He rubbed his face tiredly and finally looked up at me.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply, and he turned and began walking slowly towards his car, his shoulders slumped, hands stuffed into his pockets.

Could I forgive him? Walk away and forget I craved him like air? Stand here like an impudent child having a temper tantrum and let him take full responsibility for what had happened? For what we’d done to each other?

“Gale-“ I watched his back stiffen and I thought he might keep walking but he turned around, his face an apocalypse.

No words came. I stared at him and for the first time I noticed with shock the weight he’d lost, the shadows on his face, the redness of his sleep-deprived eyes. He looked as if he could barely hold himself upright and I had the urge to reach out to him and keep him from toppling to the ground.

“You’ve been driving a long time, haven’t you?” I inquired.

“Yeah,” he answered, rubbing his eyes, “do I look that bad?

“Worse,” I told him, and he nodded in acknowledgement. Despite my best efforts, I was beginning to thaw.

I sucked in a deep breath and took the plunge.

“It wasn’t all you,” I conceded. “I had promised myself I wouldn’t force you to be or think or feel anything you weren’t ready for and then, that night-” I almost choked on the memory, but I push the pain of it away and continued, “I played with you. I needed to hear you tell me you loved me so I could hurt you with it. Because I thought I had the right to hurt you for making me wait, for making me want you.”

“Ok,” he said, his face showing that he was processing my words, “ok.”

He paused, nodding vaguely to himself, his eyes distant. Finally he met my gaze and said, “Does that mean we can blame it all on you and move on?” He grinned almost shyly.

I laughed suddenly. “Fuck you!” I exclaimed.

“Fine then,” he chuckled and the sound reached my ears sounding like music. “It was both of us. OK?”

I thought about it a long time before answering, watching him fidget nervously.

“OK, it was both of us.” A weight I’d carried on my chest for the weeks and months since I’d last seen him suddenly vanished and I took a deep, calming breath. Watching him, it was clear my words had a similar effect on him and his eyes brightened to something like their former sparkle.

I nodded decisively. “So now what? I asked.

Fear erupted across his face again and I narrowed my eyes, looking closely at him. More games? Was he not as ready as he’d assumed? Was he considering running? But the longer I studied him, the more I recognized his expression- he was afraid of being rejected.

“Well,” he started, “we could try being friends again, if you still want my friendship. Maybe it’s not worth anything to you anymore…”

“It is.” He looked as if I might suddenly laugh at him and turn away. “Gale,” I urged, “it is.”

He huffed out a small breath and smiled at me guardedly.

“Then maybe, if that worked, we could-“ he stopped and seemed to get lost in his uncertainties again.

“Could what?” I waited for him to say it.

“Start over?” His voice was meek and my heart twisted to hear him so unsure of himself. “I mean,” he continued, “As a couple? For real, this time- if you’d like to, if you could ever trust me again?”

“Could you trust me?” I asked softly.

“In a heartbeat,” came his quick, confident reply.

We stared at each other a long time, both wanting so badly to take the leap of faith, each afraid of being hurt again. Finally, gathering his courage, he reached out his hand to me and I only hesitated a moment before taking it. He was shivering so I squeezed his fingers gently and stepped close to him, looking up into his relieved eyes.

“You know,” he murmured, leaning his forehead into mine, “I decided something else, too.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

He smiled widely. “Sex is public bathrooms isn’t nearly as much fun as Brian thinks it is.”

I laughed again and tugged him in the direction of my apartment building. My morning walk would have to wait.

The End.