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This was one of my very first attempts at G/R RPS and I’m kind of glad now
that it didn’t pan out because some of the ideas I had originally for this
piece got recycled into much better pieces later on. I started this story and
intended it to be a journal entry by Gale. I wasn’t thrilled with it, though
some of it I really liked. I re-envisioned the story later on in two different
attempts and decided to make it an actual journalized account of seasons 1-4.
Ambitious, as I was quick to find out, and the fire died out pretty quickly. The
first part is the original piece and the next part is the second version and the
final part is the third version, all of the same idea. Here is my second attempt at the same idea, fleshed out a bit more and with the notion, as I said, of taking it from season 1 past season 4. The language is much more casual because I was trying to convey the way someone might hand write a diary they don’t really feel much like keeping. Dear Diary (Take 2) (Gale POV) 6.5.99 My favorite drama coach said that when we land a plum job we should start a journal and then later we can look back and see how much we’ve learned about our craft. Sounds like hooie to me, but I respect him, so I’ll give it a shot. Don’t expect Wuthering Heights, journal, I’m an actor, NOT a writer! There was this kid I read with, he was reading the part of Justin, my character’s main love interest. I swear, he looked like he was 12 years old, but they assure me he’s “legal”. I think I’m gonna have to learn to get real comfortable with him because he was good. I think he probably has the part already. -G 6.8.99 Well, I was right about Randy (that’s the kid’s name), he did get the part. And he’s 23, but you’d never know it. They have his hair cut short and bleached blond. He’s this fragile looking little thing, makes you want to just step in and be his big brother, but I have a feeling there’s a lot more to him than he’s showing. This is all so weird. I did theatre, but this is like a whole other world. They speak a language I don’t even understand. I can tell I’m going to have to pay close attention to everything for a while so I don’t look like too much of an idiot. For now, I’m just keeping my mouth shut and doing what they tell me. Brian’s wardrobe is amazing and the set for his loft is, too. It looks like they’ve spared no expense. I hope we get picked up for a full season! -G 6.9.99 Not much time to write, today, it’s the big sex scene between Brian and Justin, but I had to take a few minutes out while they’re getting everything set up to say how fucking nervous I am. Randy looks pretty scared, too, but he’s a method actor and he says we should use that nervousness to convey the “new lover” pathos that Brian and Justin would be feeling. He’s a smart fucker, I’ll give him that. He’s gay, so he’s got a little experience rubbing up against boys. I’m sure he’ll tell me if I’m doing something wrong. Oh shit, they’re calling me. I hope this goes smoothly! -G 6.12.99 Well, the worst (or should I say best?) of the naked scenes are “in the can.” (That’s what they call it when a scene is locked down and won’t be changed, except maybe for “looping”, later.) They were really hard to do, at first. Randy and I were both embarrassed to be saying and doing such intimate things to each other when we’re total strangers, but the director assured us it worked perfectly because Brian and Justin are strangers to each other, too. Randy was amazing, even though I could tell he was as scared as I was. He says he’s done love scenes before on the stage, but I bet it was never as explicit as this! I’ll be honest, I almost froze when I had to do the rimming scene and then later, the penetration scene. I’m just glad I already knew what “rimming” was, because I’d have been mortified if they’d had to explain it to me! My face is burning right now just thinking about it. Finally, I just decided to let myself go and become Brian. That helped a LOT. Brian took over at that point and he was so INTO the scene with Justin that I found myself almost an observer. It was incredible and in the end, I loved it. What’s a little more strange is that when it came down to it, kissing and touching Randy was… nice. Strange… but in a good way. -G And here’s the third attempt. I suppose I figured after three tries, if it wasn’t happening, it never would and it has been sitting on my hard drive like an inanimate lump of coal ever since. This version took the boys all the way through season 1 but after that, I just didn’t want to do it anymore. Dear Diary (Take 3) (Gale POV) 6.5.99 My favorite drama coach said that when we land a plum job we should start a journal and then later we can look back and see how much we’ve learned about our craft. Sounds like hooie to me, but I respect him, so I’ll give it a shot. Don’t expect Wuthering Heights, journal, I’m an actor, NOT a writer! -G 7.9.99 I can’t stop looking at him. Despite all the beautiful women I’ve known, loved and fucked, he’s the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever laid eyes on. Isn’t that strange? So why doesn’t it feel strange? I mean, shouldn’t it? I’m glad he took the role. I’m glad I did, too. If there’s only one guy in the world who can make me dizzy just from thinking about him, does that mean I’m gay? I don’t know if I’ve learned anything about acting in a T.V. show yet except that I’m going to have to work on my stamina- these long hours are kicking my ass. -G 7.15.99 Fuck, today we were doing a scene, R and I, and it wasn’t even some hot and heavy love scene like we’ve done before, just a little kissing and some light touching. I don’t know what happened exactly but suddenly all I could think about was how soft his lips are when he kisses me. Well, we’re not kissing, Brian and Justin are and I know R is deep into this whole method acting thing so for him it’s sort of like he really believes it at the time, but I don’t know from ‘method’, I just do what works and what works in those scenes for me is just to feel heat and passion for him. It gets confusing though, because if we’re both feeling it, aren’t we both, you know, feeling it? I learned that I can’t tell the difference between R’s method acting and whatever it is I’m doing. Maybe I should have studied harder in school. 7.21.99 There was a little accident on the set today, something about a fire. I don’t know exactly what happened because they rushed us out into the parking lot and then sent us all home for the afternoon, but at least no one was hurt. These are really amazing people and they’re all so talented! I feel intimidated by how much I don’t know and how much they do know. No one ever tries to make me feel like an idiot though, thank goodness (I can do that all on my own, thank you very much!) but sometimes I do anyway. While we were standing outside in the lot, R came over and bummed a smoke from me. I tried not to let my hand shake when I lit it for him. I’ve known him more than a month and he still makes me nervous when it’s just he and I standing around. I wanted to kiss him, just lean right in and lay one on him. He’d probably freak. Maybe he wouldn’t, though. Sometimes I think he’s attracted to me. I could just be projecting but sometimes when he stands closer to me than he needs to… well, it just makes me wonder. 7.29.99 Time to have some balls- this weekend I’m gonna find out if he’s feeling even a little bit of what I am. He agreed to go to dinner with me after work tomorrow night and he seemed excited about it. I mean, like he might have known something was up. I don’t think I’m imagining it, either- the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, sometimes. Never when we’re working, of course, he’s a real professional about that. In fact, I’m sure I’ll probably learn more about acting from him than I ever did from my professors in school. So we always get the job done. But afterwards, he’ll do things like run his hand down my back when he’s talking to me or I’ll look up from my script and he’s watching me. It gives me a sensation like I’ve never felt when women flirt with me. It’s like he’s stirring something in my- fuck, I hate to say this because it sounds so maudlin but this is just a stupid journal, right?- something in my soul. He reaches in there and for the first time in my life, I don’t block the contact, I don’t move the walls into place. I let him in and I’m not even afraid he’s going to mess shit up in there… he seems to just settle himself right into me, comfortably, like when you get home from a long day of work and slip into your softest pair of jeans. Today I learned never to piss off the cameraman. -G 8.2.99 We were back at work this morning after spending the weekend in bed together. I didn’t know how it was going to play out when we got to the studio but things were really cool. He’s incredible. I’ve never been plundered like that before and I’ve never needed to touch and taste someone as desperately as he made me want him, this weekend. I couldn’t get enough of him and even thinking about it tonight as I write this, I’m getting hard. I wish he were here. I’m sore as fuck. I learned how to go to work and pretend you’re not fucking your co-star. -G 8.17.99 Our shoot was done early today so R and I came back to my place. He’s a pretty amazing cook. He made us lunch and we sat on my little patio eating. I swear, it’s like I’m turning into some domestic housewife over him. I want to do all the simple little things with him that I’ve always done alone. Like eat lunch on the patio. Afterwards he climbed into my lap and we just sat there for a long time with our arms around each other, talking and laughing and kissing. It was so… I don’t know, normal? Warm? Comfortable? All of those things, but more, like he’s finding his way into parts of me I didn’t know were there. Waking me up. That’s what he’s doing, waking me up. I didn’t even know I was asleep. I learned what “ramping” means. No, it’s not a sexual term, although it kinda sounds like it should be, doesn’t it? -G 8.28.99 I found myself back in Randy’s bed tonight (big surprise, right?). Little fucker is so beautiful that all he has to do is look at me in that way and I want his dick in my mouth. This is not just fucking anymore and I keep thinking I should be scared or something but who could be scared of him? Especially when he takes me to a place I never knew existed. Christ I hope I’m not the only one feeling this… I don’t want to put a label on it yet but this thing I feel for him… I hope he’s feeling it, too, because if he isn’t then that’s the one thing out of this whole deal that really would scare the shit out of me. This is like being addicted. He’s a fucking drug and the more of him I have, the more I need. I learned that the walls of my trailer are too thin for R and I to fuck in our usual ~ahem~ boisterous manner. -G 9.22.99 I know it’s been a while since I’ve made an entry, but things have been moving so quickly at work and with R that most of the time I feel like I’m just chasing my own tail (that’s a southern thing one of my grandmothers used to say.) So yeah, it’s the big “L”. I got up the nerve and finally talked to him about it and asked him how he felt. It scared me, like when you’re 12 and you write a note to the girl who sits next to you in English class asking her if she likes you. R makes me think of all those kinds of things, though- those firsts. First crush, first kiss. First love. Because with him, it sort of is the first everything. It’s all so different and yet, it’s so familiar, too. I’ve only ever really been in love once, back was I was just turning 20 and I thought I was invincible. Christ, I wasn’t much younger then than R is now. How is it he seems so much older to me? Anyway, I told him and then I listened to him tell me. The things he said to me, the way he looked, the tone of his voice, the way he touched me. I sound like a fucking girl, but the little bastard just swept me off my feet, so I returned the favor and swept him off his- I threw him over my shoulder and carried him to bed. I couldn’t stop touching him. Not like I usually do when we’re fucking, but really touching him, like I was a blind man mapping the contours of his body so I would always know what he felt like. And the sounds he made… I want to keep making those sounds flood out of him. Ok, when did I get so fucking sappy? I learned that fall in Toronto is a season to share with someone amazing. -G 10.3.99 Why is it always so extraordinary with R? I don’t think it’s just because it’s a new relationship, or because it’s so different from anything I’ve ever done before. I think it’s because of him. Or because of the ‘us’ we create when we’re together. There’s a power in him that lifts me up, makes me more than I was before I knew him. We’re starting to spend every free minute together. It may be time to start talking about what will happen over the hiatus. We live in different cities but that’s not the real problem. The real problem is that those cities have an entire country separating them. I’m thinking of buying a home in Toronto. That way, when I’m not working, I will be closer to R in NYC. I’ll talk to him about it and see what he thinks. It’s getting colder here. I’m almost afraid to know what winter here is like. -G 11.22.99 I missed the hell out of him during the Thanksgiving break and we were only apart for a few days. Talk about sappy. I learned that an extra helping of stuffing shows up on your ass, on camera. Note to self: exhibit more restraint with the Christmas cookies next month! -G 12.2.99 We’re almost done shooting the first season. Everyone is exhausted, including me. I’ve never worked so fucking hard in my life. The show premiers in January, so there’ll be a lot of parties and stuff. I’m prepared to say well in advance that I’m already planning on hating that shit. The few interviews I was made to do this year were embarrassing enough (I come off sounding like a twit… my brother and sister are gonna ride my ass about that all during the holidays) but premier parties? Red carpet shit? I’m a fucking grease monkey, for god’s sake, hasn’t anyone figured that out yet? At least R will be there. Thank god our families live close to one another so we’ll be able to spend some time alone during Christmas. I need to be with him, just he and I. We’ve never done that before for more than a night at a time and we’re both really looking forward to it. I want to kiss him all the time. I DO kiss him all the time. He loves me, and I still can’t believe it sometimes. How the fuck did I get this lucky? I’ve learned that if I’m gay then I just don’t give a shit, as long as it means I can be with R every night and wake up next to him every morning. Sappy. Sappy. Sappy. So what? Until next season! -G Sappy is right- too sappy to continue it! This is a fun little bit I did but despite how much I was enjoying writing it, it fizzled in my brain and never went anywhere. I’m kind of sad about that, because I love a lot of the imagery in it. It became obvious as the story progressed that it seemed as if Randy and Gale were already involved in an intimate relationship when that’s not what I intended at all- I wanted Gale to kind of spring the whole idea on Randy one day in a MAJOR way. It’s Gale POV and it’s called… Surprise! “So, I’m thinking about building a house here near Toronto.” We were having lunch in an out of the way corner of the set, munching our salads because we’re both total image queens who don’t like it when a couple of extra pounds show up on screen. “No shit?” he asked around a mouthful of cucumber, “With your own hands?” That makes me laugh. Everyone thinks I’m this lumberjack or something, like I could just decide one day to build a house and then go out and do it. I’m good with my hands, no doubt about it, and I’m mechanically inclined. I can pull an engine apart and have it back together by dinnertime, and I know my way around plumbing, a little electrical- but hammer and nails stuff? I leave that to the experts. “No,” I admitted with a grin, “I’d want to get my hands dirty, you know how I am, but I would hire someone to build it for me.” “Cool,” he said, obviously thinking the subject was closed. Poor Randy, sometimes he just never sees the Mack truck until it runs him down. “I was kinda hoping you might go to the architect’s office with me. Help me, you know, design it?” His eyes got big at that and he chewed through the field greens he’d stuffed in his mouth until he could manage an answer. “Wow, I’m flattered! Why would you think I’d be any good at that?” “I don’t. I mean, I’m no good at it either, but they said they can walk us through it, you know, make suggestions and stuff that we could just approve or nix.” “Well,” He sipped his bottled water, “We wouldn’t approve or nix anything; it’s your house.” “Yeah, about that.” Here comes the Mack truck, Randy- duck or something, man. “I was sort of hoping you’d move into it with me. So I figured if you did, you’d probably want to have it just the way you like it, you know?” I dipped my head and took another bite, pretending that I hadn’t just suggested changing both our lives for good. I play casual better than anyone. Randy, though, he’s still kind of an innocent when it comes to stuff and even though that Mack truck was blaring its horn at him and was mere moments from rolling over him, he paid it no mind. “What’s wrong, gonna have trouble with the mortgage?” He smirked and I couldn’t help but find it sort of cute. “No, I’ve been saving, I can afford it.” Dangle, dangle, dangle. Take the bait, Ran, for cripes sake, how much more obvious can I be? “Then why?” He was honestly baffled. I cleared my throat and wiped the grin away because I wanted him to take me seriously about this. “Because I think its way past time we stop lying to ourselves and each other and admit that we have feelings for one another, don’t you?” Right on cue, never guessing the Mack had his name on it, he inhaled a mouthful of salad. I scooted closer and thumped him hard on the back until his windpipe cleared. He’s so fucking adorable. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He was turning red in the face and I wasn’t completely sure he wouldn’t get up and bolt. “I’m talking about love, Randy. Mine for you and yours for me.” “Who says I love you!?” I leaned in close so that he would be the only one to hear me, “I say so, and I’m willing to sacrifice an entire night’s sleep fucking you silly just to prove it to you.” “Yer a prince,” he sputtered, still staring at me like I’d sprouted horns. “I could be your prince, if you’d let me.” I figured playing it cool would do the trick, so I moved away and started in on my salad again, glancing nonchalantly around the set like him moving in and us becoming lovers was a foregone conclusion. “Gale-” he was in shock and I knew there’d be a lot of conversation about this. I just wasn’t sure this was the place for it. Didn’t matter, because right then we got called back to loft set to finish our scene. I packed up the remainder of my lunch, tossed it into the nearest trashcan and winked at him. I walked away whistling, hoping that he wasn’t about to throw something weighty at my head. Well, if y’all made it to the end of this post, you deserve a medal!! I’m glad to have aired out my WIP folder so now I can delete some of this crap (to make room, no doubt, for more crap). |