Yep, I got first draw! This story has been written for the comingthengoing Fantasy Ending Challenge. The challenge was to write the season 5 QAF B/J- centric ending of our wildest fantasies, and this is mine. This story contins no spoilers for season 5, it is simply what MY ideal ending would look like. HOWEVER it does contain what some people may believe could be a spoiler, so if you're not into that, don't read!

Schmoop to follow!

Thanks to plumsuede for the amazing plot bunny and to both my husband and vedaprophet for beta'ing!


Title: In The Deep
Author: phobosgirl (phobosgirl@earthlink.net)
Date: 4/22/05
Rating: G
Authors notes: Don't own them, don't want to, don't want trouble with the big boys.
Complete: yes


In The Deep

”Thought you had
all the answers to
rest your heart upon.
But something happened,
didn’t see it coming,
and now you can’t stop yourself.
Now you’re out there swimming
in the deep.”

I heard him before I saw him, all little boy giggles and the slap of his new Pumas racing down the hallway towards my dressing room. He hit the door with a bang and came charging through it, talking at me ninety to nothing.

“Daddy! Daddy! Justin and us is having a wedding day, aren't we? He told me to say love at you, cos’ he loves you like Mama and I does!”

He flung himself at me and I caught him up in a tight hug, his fragrant, clean hair ticking my nose.

“Mama and I do, little man, not ‘does’”

“Yeah,” he agreed enthusiastically, “we does!”

“We do, you know.” His mother entered behind him, carrying his tuxedo in a small dry-cleaning bag and smiling at me tenderly. “And Justin, too.”

She reached my side and kissed my cheek, her eyes already glistening with tears.

"You look beautiful," she murmured.

“Ok, Mama,” I chided, “don’t get all blubbery and girlie on me now, the day’s just started.”

“Yeah, Mama, don’t be girlie with Daddy an’ me cos’ we’re having a wedding day!”

She laughed and wrapped her arms around us.

I allowed it for a minute, even enjoyed it, and then pulled back.

“Ok, Lindz, time for Gus and I to get dressed. Why don’t you go make sure Deb isn’t covering my future husband with red lipstick by kissing him to death.”

“But I was going to stay and help-" She looked plaintively between Gus and myself.

“Mama, I’m a big guy now, Daddy says so. Daddy and I should dress without girls watching, like men do.”

Lindsay raised an eyebrow in my direction, looking skeptical.

“We’ll be fine, Lindz,” I assured her, “go on. I want to spend a little time alone with Sonny Boy, here.”

Her eyes misting once more, she nodded and leaned into me again.

“I’m proud of you, Brian. You’re a good father, and you’re going to make a wonderful husband. Justin is very lucky.”

I wrapped my free arm around her shoulders, pulled her close and kissed her cheek.

“I’m the one who’s lucky, Lindz.”

She stepped back with a watery but playful smirk and wagged her finger at me. “Don’t you forget it, either.”

I rolled my eyes at her but I knew she was right. Every time I had forgotten, I’d lost Justin, and there was no fucking way I was going to be that stupid again.

I shooed her out and after depositing Gus’ tux on the hook on the back of the door, reminding him to be a good boy and kissing the top of his head, she slipped though the door and closed it behind her.

“Mommies are fussy, aren’t they, Daddy? I have two mommies, so I know better than my friend Markus. He says his mommy is always fussy at his daddy but I have more fussy ‘cos I have two mommies, right?”

I laughed and nodded my head, sitting down to pull my shoes on.

“That’s right, more fussy for a little man.” I thought of his two mothers and sympathisized with him. I couldn't stand having even one, how did he manage with both Lindz and Mel?

“I’m not little, Daddy!” He proved his point by standing on his tip-toes and stretching his neck. “See? I’m big and someday I’ll be big as you, won’t I?”

“You will Gus; you’ll be even bigger than I am, one day.” I felt my throat tighten looking at this small mirror image of myself. He had the Kinney genes, alright, and when the time came, he'd have no shortage of partners lining up to dote on him. Hell, he already had a large extended family who did that, starting with Justin. He was pretty well convinced that the sun rose to shine on my boy.

Gus had become so precious to me and when the fuck had that happened? Five years ago I’d thought of myself as a sperm donor, nothing more, and even that filled me with disdain. Now I was “Daddy”, and when he was feeling particularly grown up, just “Dad.” I never thought I would, but I kinda liked it.

Ok, fine. I fucking loved it.

Who knew that the night he’d been born would also turn out to be the night I was born, as well? He’d been so tiny, such a fragile, cooing thing, and I’d been so frightened of him. I still was. But he and Justin had worked some trick on me when I wasn’t paying attention, some small bit of magic that grew beyond my barren pride. They’d turned me into a man, just as one day, sooner than I’d like and reminding me of my advancing age, my son would become a man. I vowed to stop missing it happening. There was no more time to waste, he was growing too quickly.

Sudden, unexpected tears burned at the backs of my eyes and I blinked rapidly to stop them falling. Ever observant, missing nothing, Gus stood close to me and put his tiny palms on my cheeks.

“Don’t be sad, Daddy,” he told me solemnly, “even when I’m bigger than you, you’ll still be my daddy.”

I laughed to keep from crying and wondered when I’d become such an emotional drama queen. I wasn’t sure at what exact moment it had occurred but I was pretty sure I knew who to blame for it and I intended to spend my wedding night punishing him severely for it.

“I will, Gus, I always will.”

Giving myself an internal shake of the lapels, I reminded myself that I was Brian Kinney, not some hormonal, weepy dyke. I could and would get through this day without the drama usually reserved for hetero nuptials and I'd damned well come out the other side still being the most fabulous fucking faggot in Pittsburgh. Well, second most, anyway. Sunshine seemed to be topping all my lists these days, the little bastard.

I stood, shaking my head at how fucking domesticated I had become. Rather than dwell on that horror, I turned and reached for Gus’ tuxedo. It was an exact replica of my own Jean Paul Gaultier. I know because I’d chosen it myself and had spent a hair-raising sixty minutes entertaining him while it had been fitted by my tailor.

I unzipped the bag and grinned at the sight of the tiny black suit. Even in a child's size, it was elegant and sleek. I'd promised Justin I'd teach the boy the finer points of designer labels and this tuxedo was an excellent launching point.

“Ok, Gus,” I told him, “let’s get you dressed, okay? We don’t want to keep Justin waiting at the altar, do we?”

“No, Daddy,” he shook his head seriously and started pulling off his clothes.

“Leave the undies on, Gus, remember? Just like in the suit shop.”

“Ok, Daddy,” came his muffled reply as his Eyore t-shirt caught on his face.

I tugged on the hem of his shirt, pulling it free with a ruffle of his hair. He grinned up at me in nothing but his Spongebob Squarepants briefs and I shook my head, making a mental note to pick up some BVD’s for him the next time I was out shopping.

As I was helping him into his dress slacks, his hands on my shoulder for balance, he said, “Daddy, is Justin my daddy, too, now that we’re getting weddinged?”

“Married, Gus,” I corrected absently, “not ‘weddinged.’”

“Married,” he parroted.

I’d known the question was coming and had already discussed it with both Justin and Lindsay. I gave Gus the answer the three of us had decided on.

“I don’t know, Gus. Do you want him to be your daddy?”

“Yeah!” He nodded his head eagerly. “He always has orange Life Savers!”

I laughed, zipping his pants, and reached for the tiny Louis Vuitton belt I’d had customized for him.

“Is that the only reason you want him to be your daddy, Gus?” I asked, slipping the belt through the loops of his pants while he twirled slowly for me, arms in the air.

“No, Daddy,” he hesitated, “but...”

“But what, Gus?” Was he worried about Justin and I getting married? It seemed unlikely. He had always adored Justin, and Justin had been a part of his life since the day he’d been born. Still, a small knot tightened in my stomach as I waited for his answer.

“If Justin is my daddy, too, does that mean you won’t be, anymore?”

“No, Gus!” I took him by the shoulders firmly, looking into his eyes. “Remember what we said? I’ll always be your daddy, Gus, always. No one could ever make me stop being that. Okay?”

He nodded, his hair tumbling into his eyes. I brushed it off his face, tucking it behind his ear, and asked again.

“So, do you want Justin to be your daddy, too? Because he can be, and then you can have two daddies and two mommies. Or he can just be your friend, whichever you want the most. We want you to be happy, Gus.”

“If I can keep you,” he told me cheerfully, “then I want him, too. Can I love him as much, too?”

The knot in my stomach unraveled and I smiled at him.

“He would like it very much if you did, Gus. You know he loves you like he’s your daddy.” The lump in my throat was back.

“I know, Daddy.”

He slipped into his dress shirt, telling me impatiently that he could button it himself when I tried to help, and I sat back, watching him. As he moved on to tying his shoelaces, the tip of his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth determinedly, I had to admit to myself that I was not a man who believed in miraculous events. But I could no longer deny that one had landed in my lap the night this kid had been born, whether I'd been capable of recognizing it at the time or not.

While Gus clumsily tucked in his shirt tails, I stood and walked to the room’s only dresser, pulling the top drawer open and gazing down at the small treasure waiting within.

“Gus,” I called.

“Yes, Daddy?”

“Come here, Sonny Boy, I want to show you something. Something very special.”

He walked towards me, his eyes wide.

When he was standing next to me, his round eyes watching me, I pulled out the small silk pillow Deb had sewn and knelt on one knee next to him so he could see. In the middle of the pillow- baby blue, of course; Deb is nothing if not sentimental- tied with a narrow satin ribbon, lay two platinum wedding bands, one noticeably smaller than the other.

Gus’ eyes got wide and he took in a small breath of awe.

“What are they, Daddy?”

“They’re called ‘wedding rings’, Gus,” I told him quietly. “You’ve seen your mommies wearing them on their fingers, remember? But theirs are yellow and these are white, see?”

“Yes, Daddy,” he said reverently. “Will you and Just- I mean Daddy- wear them on your fingers, too?”

“Yes we will, but I want you to do something very important for me before we put them on, ok?”

“What, Daddy?” He was all eyes and his mouth kept forming a perfect little “O” of amazement.

“I want you to hold them for me, on this pillow, and when Mommy tells you to, I want you to bring them to me. Can you do that?”

He nodded his head up and down excitedly, a grin spreading across his face.

“Because we’re getting weddin- m-married?”

“That’s right, Gus, and when two people get married they have their favorite little man bring them their rings so they can put them on each other’s fingers.” I passed him the pillow, which he cradled gently, as if it were the finest bone china.

“I’ll be careful with them, Daddy,” he whispered, “I promise!”

“I know you will, kiddo. That’s why you’re the only one I’d trust to hold them.”

He nodded again, his face flushed with pride, his eyes shining. Looking into his earnest face, that damned lump rose once more and I pulled him into my arms, ignoring the tear that escaped down my cheek.

“I love you, Gus,” I breathed into his ear.

“I love you, too, Daddy.”

A knock sounded at the door and Mikey stepped into the room, looking vibrant and young in his tux.

"Uncle Mikey!" Gus exclaimed.

Disengaging himself from my embrace, Gus ran to him, holding up the pillow and explaining to him that it was his very important job to carry the “marriage rings” until I needed to put them on Justin’s fingers. He had it a little confused, but his happiness at being the ring bearer lit up the entire room and neither Mikey nor I had the heart to correct him.

Mikey smiled and listened and nodded with enthusiasm, patting Gus on the shoulder and chattering at him about how special he must be to have such an important task. Finally, he looked up and met my eyes.

“Wow,” he said, his voice thick with emotion, “you look amazing, Brian. So do you, Gus!”

I kissed his lips softly.

“You, too, Mikey.” We gazed at each other a long time, each, I think, remembering our long childhoods together, the ones that lasted well into our 30's, and a look passed between us that only we would ever understand. He'd been the first person in my life to accept me as I am, and I knew I'd been his first real love. He got me, and I was more grateful for that than I would ever be able to say.

“So, you guys ready?” he asked finally, looking first at me and then down at Gus.

Gus glanced at me for confirmation and when I nodded my head, he did, too.

“Lead the way, Mikey,” I instructed.

“Come on, Gus,” I put my hand on his little shoulder and squeezed gently, matching his smile with one of my own. “Let’s go get married to your daddy.”


"Life keeps tumbling
your heart in circles
'till you let go;
'till you shed your pride
and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning
in the deep."

The End