Title:  Lost Badfic
Author:  uberaeryn
Fandom:  Lost
Pairings: Everybody
Spoilers: All over the place
Rating:  Adults only: Language and crap.
Author's Note:  To cure writing woes, rowan_d suggested writing something random, and possibly terrible. This is both.
 

Once upon a time many stupid people on a plane with a stupid pilot ended up crashing on a deserted island way far away! OMG! Whatever shall they do, they thought, because they tended to think collectively, like a hive, and the big, brave Super!Doctor, Jack, said, “Lo, we must do what we can to survive until help comes and no Jeff Probst jokes, please, I hate that guy.”

So they found water and made a golf course and tortured Sawyer because it was fun. No, no, because he was BAD man, a bad, bad, bad, hot, bad man! He tried to kill Shannon! Well, who wouldn’t, I say. No, he didn’t REALLY try to kill Shannon he was just hard up for a smooch and he knew that after Sayid tortured people he would smooch them and make it all better, but then he got smooched by Kate which kind of squicked him out, he’d really wanted Sayid smooches but, oh, well.

There were invisible dragons or something and ghost boars and polar bears and stuff, which was nice, like being at the zoo, and then the dirty rotten sister fucker Boone started hanging out with creepy zen and the art of knife maintenance shaman Locke, who was healed from that bad athlete’s foot on his toes that kept him wheelchair bound by the island and Jesus. Jesus must be involved somehow, that’s all I’m saying. Athlete’s foot just doesn’t heal itself, you know. And they spent all their time in the jungle making out and trying to open the pod bay doors. Why? Who the fuck knows. Just follow the crazy-eyed shaman with the knife, he’s got a plan.

(Actually, don’t. HE’S FUCKED, SERIOUSLY, IN THE HEAD, RUN AWAY! BOONE, YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST DIRTY ROTTEN SISTER FUCKER ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET!)

Jack and Sawyer were all like GRRR alpha male and shit! We are manly men! One good, one evil, or are they? Hmmm? Do you really KNOW? No, you DON’T, quit making assumptions! I bet Jack eats that damned baby! I bet he eats babies all the time! I bet that’s why he became a doctor, easier access to all them babies! And Sawyer, sekritly, is smart and kindhearted and a hero even though all he does is blackmail everyone else and lay on his ass all day, but I digress. All this alpha male tension meant GRRR! INTERNET PR0N! Yay for us!

So anyway there was a midget and a pregnant girl and some other people, you know, whatever, oops, almost forgot, and Kate who was pretty and ran back and forth between Jack and Sawyer passing love notes. And some other people, like I said. And the island was cursed or something and tried to eat them all everyday, or maybe it was Jesus busting a spiritual cap in their collective asses or something, but life always went on, because it was the circle of life and death? I guess. I don’t know.

QUIT LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, ALL RIGHT?

So all this crap happens and everyone’s like “OMG, whoa!” And all the fans of the show are like “OMG, WHOA!” And some fans say “OMG, MATTHEW FOX HAS GOTTEN EVEN HOTTER SINCE PARTY OF FIVE, LIKE WHOA! And a lot of fans are like “OMG, QUIT PUTTING SPOILERS EVERYWHERE, DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TO USE AN LJ CUT???” And everybody else sighed and rolled their eyes and put everything behind a cut, being all polite and all.

Anyway one day Sawyer goes into the forest and sees Jack all nekkid! Big whoa (and when I say ‘big whoa’ there you know what I’m talkin’ about right? *wink wink* Get it? *nudge nudge* Oh, for Christ’s sake, do I have to spell it out for you? Fine. C-O-C-K. Now you see what I’m sayin’?)! Sawyer gets nekkid as well and they both go gay instantly and have the hot gay butt sex. Yay!

But, oh, no! Here comes shaman Locke with a bloodied and battered Boone! NOOOOO! He’s too purdy to die, everyone cries! But, never fear, Super!Doctor will heal him WITH HIS VERY OWN BLOOD! Wait, what? That didn’t work? FINE, SUPERDOCTOR WILL CHOP OFF YOUR LEG, THAT WILL MAKE IT ALL BETTER!

But no, Boone says. He wants to die. He’s tired of being on the bottom all the time. Jack cries but knows what Boone means, he’s getting kind of sick of being on the bottom all the time, too, he’d been meaning to talk to Sawyer about that but wait, I digress! So Boone dies and that girl has her baby and it had devil eyes but nobody seemed to notice and now that I think about it there’s no way Jack will eat THAT baby, it’s pure evil. He likes pure babies, the aftertaste is sweeter.

Poor dead Boone. Shannon cries so it will impress Sayid. Jack goes stomping off into the jungle to find evil Locke who, since he can’t fuck Boone anymore, is now fucking the pod bay doors and both he and the pod bay doors seem to enjoy it if the way they are glowing are any indication.

GRRR! Jack growls. I will kill you for killing Boone and ruining my record! They’ll have to take my name out of the superhealing superdoctor recordbooks! But Jack is stopped by Sawyer and his emotional wounds are healed by Sawyer’s magical cock. Whew!

And Sayid, all impressed now by how emotional and deep and like whatever Shannon is now, asks her to marry him and they get all married because Jack is not only a doctor but an Episcopalian priest and they want to have many wee babies but God has CURSED Shannon for fucking her brother and now she is infertile and one day when she and Sayid are coming back from one of their little romantic trips to their spot in the jungle God speaks and says ‘DO NOT LOOK BACK’ but Shannon does because she’s stupid and is turned into a pillar of salt and now when everyone wants to season their fish they just scrape off one of her toes.

Life goes on and more weird things happen. Kate comes up to Jack on the beach and says, “Jack! Leave Sawyer and be with me!” And Jack says, “Eh. I don’t know. I’m starting to really like the butt sex.” And Kate says, “No problem! Look at this strap-on that Sayid has fashioned out of bamboo!” Great, Jack thinks, on the bottom again and he’d wondered why Sayid had wanted that mold of his rectum, but he had nothing better to do so he agrees. “Do you like how it feels, baby?” Kate whispers. “No, not really, feels like I’ve got a hunk of bamboo shoved up my ass,” Jack grumbles. Sawyer appears and is enraged and bitch slaps Kate who runs off into Sayid’s arms and they comfort each other by having heterosexual sex.

(Yes, there IS, such a thing! QUIT LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!)

Jack and Sawyer have the make-up sex and as Jack is picking the bamboo splinters out of Sawyer’s cock he explains things like analogies and metaphors, because not only is Jack Super!Doctor, baby eater, and Episcopalian priest, he also is a literary critic of some note, and soon Sawyer is writing the great American . . . er, South Pacific novel on paper hammered out of bamboo and ink made of polar bear blood and cockatiel snot, courtesy of Sayid.

One day Locke stumbles out of the jungle FOLLOWED BY BOONE! Locke has brought Boone back from the dead with his creepy, Jesus-like powers he got from fucking the pod bay doors! Hooray, says . . . well, I’m sure SOMEBODY must have said hooray, Jack did, at least, and swept Boone into his arms and Jack and Sawyer got married and adopted Boone and had hot sweaty threesomes with their new son. Sawyer keeps calling Boone ‘Lazarus’ because he thinks this is clever until finally Jack smacks him and he shuts the fuck up already.

Wait! Locke says, interrupting a threesome, and Jack is like SUPER pissed because for once he’s not on the bottom. I’ve called the Coast Guard! Locke says. Yes, they DO patrol the South Pacific! We’re saved!

And lo and behold they are saved and everybody lives happily ever after, and Jack and Sawyer and Boone get a townhouse in Manhattan and Sawyer wins a Pulitzer for his novel “How the Fuck’re We Gettin’ Outta This One?” and Jack wins a prize for doctoring and baby eating, and Boone wins a prize for being best bottom at the International Sub/Dom Competition and all is well.

Or is it? Because Locke becomes president, oh no, and finally everyone realizes that he is not good but EVIL, he is the ANTI CHRIST, a POD PERSON, but it’s too late the bombs are dropping and they all should have seen it long ago because there is no way in hell that Swoosie Kurtz is old enough to be Locke’s mother but nobody was giving out any prizes on that island for brains, and because they all were such sinners to begin with, when the Rapture comes they all get left behind, and that’s what next season will be called.

“Left Behind”

***

The End