Mechanical Michaelangelo

Title: Mechanical Michelangelo - Ch 31-40
Author: Mohawk
Rating: Adults Only
Disclaimer: Queer as Folk belong to Russel T Davies, Cowlip, etc, I don't own anything.
Feedback: Is adored
Spoilers: Slight season 1
Summary: What if Brian didn't find Justin when he ran away to New York in season 1? How would Justin cope on his own, in a strange city? Could his art be his only salvation? The title was inspired by Sarah Hall's The Electric Michelangelo

Cameron sat on the concrete step at one of the back entrances to the hospital, hiding from the trickle of media that just wouldn’t go away, those select few who just had to have a statement from Justin’s hustler friend and big shot tattoo artist, Bren McKay.

Cigarette butts littered the ground around his feet and a half smoked cigarette rested between fingers that wouldn’t seem to stop shaking.

He flipped open his phone and turned it on, ringing Leon and waiting for the other man to answer. “Where are you, man?” He needed his family around him, needed the strength of the group, he’d not felt this alone since he’d met Justin three years before.

“About ten minutes away if I don’t get lost. Your car is a heap of junk, man. Don’t know how it’s got us this far.”

Cam laughed softly. “Just make sure it gets you this far. Hurry up, I’ll meet you out front.”

“See you in ten.”

He shoved the phone back in his pocket and finished his smoke before walking back inside, ready to face the glares of Jennifer. She didn’t want him or Bren there, but they weren’t leaving. She didn’t understand that they’d practically lived in each others pockets for the past three years, that they were closer than family.

She wouldn’t like it when Leon and Pete got there either, but Justin needed them, he needed them to be there and that’s where they wanted to be. It didn’t matter that they would be losing money, they wanted to be here for Justin, for their family.

Bren sat silently, drawing in the small sketch book that never left his side, and Cam felt his heart ache. It was wrong to see just one of them sketching.

“Look, I’m really grateful that you guys came here, but his family is here now. Craig is coming down later and we’re going to talk about insurance and hospital bills. It’d be better if you weren’t here.” Jen said, finally stopping her pacing to face them.

Cameron tensed, saw the pencil pause on Bren’s page. “And why would you worry about insurance now, when he has a successful, fulltime job and has ample coverage?” Bren’s voice was deep, calm and deadly. “He’s not a seventeen year old boy that needs help anymore.”

Jen frowned, knowing she’d been insulted but not quite sure how. “He’s a twenty one year old man that needs medical attention and the support of his family.”

“You might think that Mechanical Michelangelo is some back town dump that pays a pittance and probably uses dirty needles, but if you’d ever bothered to come over when Justin asked you, you’d find we are one of the top tattoo salons, with waiting lists over three months long. Tattooing can be a risky business, all my employees get insurance, there is no need to worry about his medical needs.”

“You didn’t worry three years ago, didn’t it keep you awake at night, wondering what had happened to him, how he was supporting himself?” Cam raised an eyebrow and shook his head, unable to keep quiet.

He hated Jennifer more than he hated his own mother, at least she made no pretence about loving him, she was straight with him from the word go, whereas Jennifer sent so many mixed signals Justin didn’t know which way to turn most of the time.

“I have to go meet the guys.” Cam stood and smiled half heartedly at Bren.

“Who?” Jennifer asked.

“Our friends.” He looked pointedly at her and she gulped, knowing by friends he meant fellow hustlers.

Jennifer clutched onto his arm as he walked past. “They won’t talk about Justin’s–past will they?”

He shrugged her off, looking down at her with disdain. “No, but they might want to punch whoever gets in their way. It might not be the right way to deal with it, but it’s because they care. Justin is one of us, and we’re family.”

He walked out of the hospital and spotted Leon, behind the wheel of his car, face like thunder as a reporter tried to corner him.

Cam was glad he’d told Leon he’d meet them outside. It didn’t matter about hospital policy or security; at least one reporter had to stay and try to catch them long enough to give a statement.

He watched Leon and Pete exit his old car, and another three men fall out the back. Tears of relief filled his eyes as he saw them, then anger settled in as the reporter jumped at them.

Cam reached them first and pushed the microphone away. “Fuck off.”

“Did you hustle with Justin? Please, just say a few words!”

“Has he been there all night, dude? Man, I can show you a much better way to make money.” Leon clutched his crotched, laughed at the man’s expression then allowed Cam to lead them away.

Once they were in the privacy of the hospital Leon’s bravado disappeared and in its place was a young man who was very worried for his friend.

“How is he?” Pete asked, jogging behind to keep up with them.

Cam took a deep shaky breath and related what the doctor had told them. “They drained the blood, but he’s in a coma. They say it’s his body’s way of coping with the trauma.”

“When will he wake up?”

“They don’t know. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year…” ‘Never’ went unspoken, but not unheard.

“He’ll be alright though, when he wakes up?” Pete asked, wanting it to be true, hell they all wanted it to be true.

Jennifer was sitting next to Bren when they all arrived, she looked up and did a double take, eyes widening, pale skin becoming paler and disgust evident on her face. Cam could hardly blame her for that. Out of the familiar streets they called home they looked like ducks out of water.

Men, little more than boys really, at least when they started out, hovered around, all dressed in denim and cotton that clung to lean frames, and although Cam could see the worry etched into every line and every restless stance, he was sure all Jen could see were cocky prostitutes intent on making money while they were at her child’s bedside.

“Err, thank you for coming.” Jennifer said to them, not forgetting her manners. “But really, this isn’t a hotel, you should come back visiting hours and I’ll update you.”

Bren put a hand on her shoulder. “It is visiting hours.”

Cameron bit his lip, resisting the urge to tell her that it was him who should stay with Justin, like it had been him who’d been there every night since they’d met.

“Look, we don’t want to cause trouble, we just want to see him,” Leon said, “He’s our friend…and we’ve come a long way.”

A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye and she wiped it away on her sleeve. “Alright. They’re doing more tests right now…but when he’s back. And I need to go fetch Molly, make sure she’s got enough things for tonight.” She frowned, having trouble concentrating on all the things she had to do.

Michael, of all people turned up, standing next to Jennifer and offering his support. He had a tub of what looked like homemade pasta in one hand. “Mom made this for you, she said to eat it all up and save your strength for Sunshine. I’ll stay here while you’re taking care of Molly and we’ll phone you if there’s any change.” Mikey said.

When Jen left everyone relaxed somewhat, Leon slumped into a chair, Pete close to him, both with identical expressions of worry on their face. They ignored Mikey as he sat a little away from them.

“He’s been on the news back home too.” Pete commented, breaking the silence. “They’re saying some dick hit him with a baseball bat, is it true?”

Cam closed his eyes, shuddering, unable to picture it in his mind, but knowing it had happened. He’d seen Brian covered in the aftermath of the accident, he’d held Justin’s hand as he slept a deep, unnatural sleep. “Yeah, it’s true.”

“Where is he? The fucker that did it to him?”

“In custody for now.”

“Shame.”

Cameron knew what Leon meant, he too wanted to hunt Chris Hobbs down and beat out his own kind of revenge. Beat him like he’d beat Justin…Chris Hobbs was lucky, because he was safe from Justin’s friends where he was, if he’d been let out already there would be no hope for him.

Justin hadn’t noticed the pale yellow flecks in Cam’s green eyes before. They were standing so close to each other, too close, and he could see the unique swirls of greens and flecks of yellows that made up Cameron’s beautiful gaze. He swayed closer to the other man, hands clutching at his jacket.

His heart was racing and his palms were sweaty. Leaning forward, he touched his lips to Cam’s ear whispered, “I don’t think I can do this.”

Cam leaned into him, pressing his lower body into Justin’s, holding him in a pseudo lover’s embrace. “It’ll be easy, we can do this.” Justin wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince.

“Less love and more fucking,” the man sitting in the corner of the room said.

Justin had almost forgotten him in his nervousness.

Both men looked over at the man sitting on an old chair, pants unzipped and flaccid cock in hand. His eyes were masked in shadow, but Justin could practically see the lust radiating from them, he also saw the slow hand movement and how the sight of them, or the feel of his own hand, didn’t bring him to erection.

Justin pushed the denim over Cam’s shoulders with shaking hands, throwing the jacket onto the floor. He smoothed the material over Cam’s shoulders, patting them slightly and then frowned. He wasn’t sure what to do next.

Seeing his hesitation, Cam took charge, he was the expert after all. He pulled Justin out of his t-shirt, slowly revealing his pale skin inch by inch. He threw the t-shirt at the old man and trailed his fingers over Justin’s chest.

The man gasped as the shirt landed on his leg and his hand quickened. Maybe, if he got off soon, they wouldn’t have to go all the way and they wouldn’t have to fuck.

You don’t fuck your friends, that’s what Brian had always said, and even though it was for money, the easiest money they’d probably ever make, Justin couldn’t help but feel it was wrong.

Cameron was a beautiful man, a few inches taller than him, light brown hair that seemed to fall in messy waves around his shoulders and a body only slightly tired from the harsh life he’d led.

Under other circumstances, like the back room of Babylon, or the toilet in Woody’s, Justin wouldn’t have any worries about fucking him. But this was different, they were already friends and work colleagues, if you could call it that, and as a result his cock lay as soft as their one man audiences.

He had thought he was getting the hang of hustling, he had sold his ass enough times that he didn’t feel disgusted with himself, just relieved to have money in his back pocket. But Cam wasn’t a trick and he would be around for a long time to come.

He was an emotional tower of strength, even though he was as fucked up, if not more so, than Justin was, and Justin could admire his beauty, he knew why people found him attractive, but that beauty wasn’t doing anything for him. It wasn’t what he saw when he looked at him, he saw a friend, the man who saved him.

“I’ll talk you through it.” He picked up one of Justin’s hands and placed it on his own chest, still covered by well worn cotton. “Don’t think, just feel. Feel my muscles ripple under your touch. Feel the heat of my skin as your fingers ride under my t-shirt.” He navigated Justin’s hand under the fabric, letting go as the blond flexed his fingers and started to explore by himself. “Just get lost in the sensation. We’re in the back room of your Babylon, the music is hot, but not as hot as the guy you picked to fuck that night.”

Justin groaned, his cock finally stirring to life, if somewhat half heartedly.

“Hurry the fuck up and take your clothes off,” the trick grunted.

Cameron smiled at Justin, leaned down and gave him a friendly kiss before pushing down his own jeans and stepping out of them, showing his perfectly rounded ass to the old man before kneeling down in front of Justin.

Justin looked down into Cam’s friendly eyes, still worried about this. “We’ll be OK, Justin, just take this for what it is. An easy night and a warm bed.” He closed his blue eyes and gave a deep breath, nodding slowly. “Just feel. This isn’t you or me, we’re whoever we want to be, away from this place, away from the cold. Feel the heat.”

Justin felt himself grow with Cam’s words, felt his own life float away and let himself fall into a make believe world. When Cam eased his jeans over his thighs his dick was hard. Cam licked the slight sprinkle of hair from Justin’s belly button to the base of his cock. He heard the trick gasp as his erection sprang free and Justin felt the first mouth on his cock since Brian’s. He bit back a moan and steadied himself using Cam’s shoulder.

“Lets get ready to give him the fucking time of his life,” Cam whispered before sucking the head of Justin’s penis into his mouth, then taking him inch by inch inside the moist cavern of his mouth.

Justin felt his cock touch the back of Cam’s throat and he didn’t have to force a gasp when the talented hustler swallowed around him. He grasped fistfuls of hair, trying to over exaggerate his movements, tried to pretend he was in a porn movie and the angle had to be just right, the over acting larger than life, but not too large. It had to be realistic, and it was.

“Do him without a condom and I’ll give you an extra hundred.”

Justin opened his eyes and Cameron removed his mouth from around Justin’s cock, leaving it glistening with saliva, he wiped the spit from his chin and looked over his shoulder at the man watching them. “We don’t fuck without condoms.” They said simultaneously.

“An extra two hundred.”

Cameron got to his feet and reached for his clothes. “If you wanted it raw you went to the wrong district. He started to slip back into his jeans.

“No, no, don’t stop, I just…carry on. Had to try, you know.”

Cam nodded and turned to Justin, seeing his already deflating cock he tried a different tactic, he pressed their naked bodies close, kissing Justin deeply, using tongue, and dipping him over the bed.

The trick never had to see Justin’s lack of desire. As long as one of them had a hard dick it didn’t matter.

Justin’s ass was sore, but he was content, for the night anyway. The trick had left, leaving them to lounge in the room until morning. The bed was lumpy and the sheets were itchy. It was bliss.

He lay smoking a cigarette, sharing it with Cam, their legs tangled together from their earlier foray and sheets riding low in their hips now.

The weather was kept at bay for one night.
“I’m sorry,” Cam said.

“Sorry’s bullshit,” Justin replied, pushing smoke out through his nose.

“I seem to be making you do a lot of things you don’t like, all for a few extra bucks.”

Justin turned, leaning on one elbow over him and traced the worry lines on his forehead. “You’re teaching me how to survive. You saved me that first night, don’t ever think it was anything different.”

“And tonight?”

“You’re showing me some tricks to the trade. Short cuts in making easy money and a roof over our head, I just didn’t want anything to be awkward between us.”

“And are you feeling awkward?”

Justin shook his head. “I’m relieved we had an easy night and made more money than we usually do.” He lay back down next to Cam, facing him, taking the cigarette from him and taking a long drag. “How long have you been doing this?”

Cam frowned and turned to face Justin. “You’re asking the wrong questions.”

“What should I ask then?”

“How long have I been doing this since people started to pay me.”

Justin’s stomach churned, “I shouldn’t have bought it up.”

“It’s OK, I don’t mind talking about it. I’ve been hustling since I was fifteen.”

Justin played idly with the other man’s hair, running it through his fingers. “Do you like it?”

Cameron laughed and pulled Justin closer, in a friendly hug. “I’m not sure if anyone actually likes it.”

“Are you straight?”

“What’s with all the questions all of a sudden?”

“Sorry, it’s just, we never usually get the chance to talk alone.”

Cameron didn’t answer for a long time, they lay in a tangle of limbs, Justin playing with Cam’s hair. “I’m not straight, I’m not gay, I’m not anything.”

“What do you mean?” Justin was confused.

“I’m as asexual as they come baby. Maybe it’s because my stepdad liked to fuck me, maybe it’s because I get fucked so often it loses its appeal.”

“I don’t get how you can do this then.”

“It’s all I know how to do. I can get an erection on will, I can open my legs for anyone, and I do, as long as there’s payment involved.”

“I’d like to think I’ll meet someone one day, and that my hustling won’t put either of us off.”

“I’d like to be alone one day. I’d like to never be touched again.”

Guilt washed over Justin, he felt like he’d taken advantage of Cameron, but how could he know how the other man felt? He would never have guessed. Cameron had always seemed so sexual, so sure of his own body and what it could do to others.

“Stop it.” Cameron warned.

“What?”

“Feeling guilty. You didn’t take advantage, I didn’t hate your touch and I don’t feel disgusted holding you. I just, one day, I’d like to give this up and do something else and finally have the rights back to my body.”

Justin pulled him into a tender hug, tears burning the back of his eyelids. “We’ll do it, both of us. We’ll work our asses off until we don’t have to work them anymore.”

The waiting room became a drop in centre for lost boys and anyone who was anyone as long as they had cared for Justin. People came and went, leaving cards, and words of sympathy.

Daphne brought a bag full of chips and fizzy drinks with her, she’d spent enough time in New York to know what Justin’s friends liked, and everyone needed a little comfort food now and then.

Seeing Leon she bent down and pressed a kiss to his head, seeing them all here made her heart swell and the tears filled in her eyes. He was so lucky to have friends like these.

She handed the snacks around, hesitating when she got to Bren. Upon seeing his face she let out a sob and he stood up, taking her shaking form into his arms. “It’s all my fault, Bren.”

“Bullshit,” he murmured, “You weren’t to know.”

“But if I hadn’t made him go to the stupid reunion…” Why did she have to bully him into going? He had hated school when he was there, getting bullied nearly every day, and she’d made him relive it at the reunion, only this was worse, so much worse than she could ever have imagined.

“You didn’t make him do anything, no one can make Justin do anything.”

But she could, he had a weak spot when it came to her and she knew how to twist him around her finger. “God, I hate this, I want to stay here with you guys, but I have exams…” How could she think about exams when Justin was fighting for his life?

“Which you need to pass, Justin will be pissed at you if you flunk them for him.”

“You’ll ring me if anything happens? I’ll come back here straight after it.”

“Of course I will.” Bren wiped away her tears and past her over to Cam, who hugged her like she was the last connection to Justin. Apart from him, she knew Justin better than anyone.

“Be strong,” she whispered into his ear.

“You too.”

They ate in silence, each sharing out the different flavours of chips and crunching slowly. Cam ate, but tasted nothing. He looked over at Mikey and frowned, suddenly realising Brian hadn’t returned with him.

“Where’s Brian?”

Mikey blinked, realising Cam was talking to him. “Huh?”

“Where’s Brian?”

“Oh, he stayed home, to shower. I’m sure he’ll be coming later.” He said it in such a way Cam was certain that he was talking bullshit.

“Hey, Cam, where are you guys staying?” Leon asked through a mouthful of crisps.

Cam frowned, realising neither he nor Bren had thought about accommodation while they’d been here. “We stayed here. It was touch and go for a while–we didn’t want to be too far away.” He shook his head, not wanting to think about it.

“I don’t think they’ll let us all stay here…they’re giving us the evils as it is.” Leon glared at a nurse as she walked past. “We’ll just head on out when they kick us out, I suppose."

“No, not on the streets tonight.” They deserved warmth tonight, after driving for hours to get here, he didn’t want them out on strange streets, vulnerable and sad. He didn’t want anything to happen to them too. Cam looked pointedly at Mikey, who shook his head vehemently.

“One ex hustler is enough thank you, I’m not opening my door to five more.”

“Alright. Where *is* Brian?” Cam demanded, not wanting any more of Mikey’s half truths.

“He won’t let them stay at the loft.”

“I didn’t ask that, Mikey. Where is he? I haven’t seen him since Justin came out of theatre.”

“He’s taking this pretty hard and he hates hospitals.”

“Mikey…”

Mikey sighed, knowing when he was defeated. “He’s at Babylon.”

Cam laughed, but it was void of any emotion. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I tried to get him to come here…Don’t be too mad at him, this is his own type of pain management.”

“Directions.”

“Huh?” Mikey looked at him with a puzzled expression.

“Directions to, fucking, Babylon.”

“I’ll come too; he needs someone to defend him.”

***

Cam was on a mission, he twisted in between the crowd, eyes scanning the men, looking for a tall brunette, whose idea of pain management was bad sex in a spunk covered club.

Mikey clutched onto his arm, dragging him to the bar, Cam had to work hard not to shrug the other man off, finding his touch distasteful. “We’ll probably find him at the bar.” They looked up and down the rows of men waiting to get served and didn’t see him.

“We should just wait here.”

Cam raised his eyebrow at Mikey, not believing a word he said. He leaned over the bar to get the barman’s attention, and instead of ordering a drink or coming onto him like the barman expected he shouted one word. “Kinney?”

The barman rolled his eyes. “Back room.”

Anger boiled in his veins, how could Brian do this? Didn’t he care at all? He made his way to what could only be the back room, Mikey chasing his heels. Chains hung from the ceiling above the doorway, clinking in time with the music, and men were sucking and fucking in every corner.

It didn’t take long to find Brian, the only man with most of his clothes still on, was getting his dick sucked. His head was thrown back, and his eyes were shut, he didn’t look like he was having much of a good time, and Cameron couldn’t blame him.

He found this whole thing distasteful, and to find Brian here, as Justin lay in a hospital bed, made him want to punch him until he was the one lying bleeding on the ground.

Cam nudged the man on his knees, “Fuck off,” he shouted, alerting Brian to his presence. When the man didn’t move Cam pulled on his hair, causing Brian to slide back, quickly removing his dick from between the stranger’s teeth.

“Watch it!”

“What the fuck, are you doing here, Brian?”

He laughed and leaned his head back against the wall as he tucked himself back into his pants. “What does it look like? Getting my dick sucked.”

“Cut the bullshit. I’m not part of your adoring fan club, you don’t need to impress me with your big bad ways. Justin needs you.”

“Guys, lets not fight.” Mikey said, frustrated when they ignored him.

“He doesn’t even know I’m there. There’s nothing I can do.”

“There’s nothing I can do either. I can’t fix this, I can’t make him wake up or turn back time, but I’m there and when he does wake up, and he will, he’ll know I was there, that Bren was there, that Leon, Pete and all of our fucked up, twisted, prostituting family were there.”

Brian squeezed his eyes shut, running a hand over his face. “Why didn’t he just come back? Why did he do that?”

Cameron pulled Brian’s hands away from his face. “Because he felt like he didn’t have a choice, and hustling is better than other things that can happen…fuck, you can have this conversation with Justin when he’s better. Stop being a fucking dick and come back to the hospital.”

Brian shrugged the shorter man off. “There’s no reason for me to be there.”

“You keep telling yourself that, and it’ll be the second thing you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”

“Yeah? And what’s the first?”

“Not bothering to find Justin in the first place.”

The wind had teeth that night, and even the hustlers had given up loitering on the cold streets. They sat huddled beneath a bridge, cheap alcohol and weed making its way around frosted fingers and chapped lips.

“We could be sitting in the café if Leon hadn’t decided to snort coke in the bathroom.” Cam jabbed the side of Leon’s leg with his foot and took a cigarette out of a random hand.

Lean smirked, frosty air billowing from his nose. “And she only threw me out because I used the ladies.”

“What self respecting hustler uses the ladies?” Justin shivered as the wind whistled under the tunnel and snuggled down into his coat, leaning his chin on Cam’s shoulder.

“One that can’t wait for the mens to be free,” Leon took a swig of vodka and threw the empty bottle to the ground, listening as it clanked against the cold stone.

“Fuck, we’re gonna make no money tonight.”

Justin nodded at the comment, but couldn’t bring himself to care, it was too cold to stand bare ass while someone got their kicks.

He wondered what he would be doing if he were in the Pitts. Would he be at home with his mother, working at the diner or fucking Brian at the loft? Would Brian be surprised at the amount of action his ass had seen of late?

Probably not, what would surprise him were the crumpled, moist bills he received before he lowered his pants. He couldn’t bring himself to be ashamed anymore. Thinking of Brian made the hole where his heart should have been, ache, but he didn’t feel sad, or disgusted and he’d stopped worrying what Brian would think after the fourth week, fourteenth tear, the fortieth cock; it wasn’t as if Brian was coming to get him. He was probably spending the night at Babylon, dancing with Mikey and fucking a faceless trick in the back room.

“You got any batteries?” Justin blinked as he was nudged.

“Huh?”

“You got any batteries on you?”

“Euw no, I don’t wanna know why you want batteries, man, don’t you spend enough time with things shoved up your ass?”

Ashley laughed and gave Justin the finger. “My walkman gave out.”

Walkman, Justin almost laughed at the thought, they seemed so old fashioned to him, but to most of the guys here technological advances meant nothing.

What did mean something was, a warm cup of coffee, a dry place to sleep and drugs to take the pain of living away.

“Here, try these.” Cameron threw a small flashlight at Ashley, who caught it in one hand and unscrewed the bottom, taking out the batteries.

“Thanks, man.” He took out the walkman, an old bulky contraption covered in scratches and held together with tape. Justin frowned as he watched, still leaning against Cam’s shoulder. Something looked strange, and it wasn’t to do with the age of it.

Ashley turned it on, but Justin didn’t hear the muffled sound of music, but an electric buzz. “What are you doing?” He leaned forward, squinting to see just what Ashley had attached to the walkman, whatever it was, it wasn’t earphones.

“Perfect man.” He held a pen in his hand and Justin saw it was attached to the walkman, the others seemed to know what was happening but Justin hadn’t been graced with this show yet. He watched as Ashley opened an ink cartridge and dipped the nib into it.

Ink vibrated from the nib, splattering against his coat, adding to the dirt and grime of street living. “What are you doing?” Justin couldn’t resist asking.

“What’s it look like? Making art.” He touched the point of his pen against his bare arm, coat pushed up to his elbow revealing skin already black with ink.

Justin saw the ink touch the skin, leaving behind a thick black line, Ashley didn’t seem to have a pattern in mind, he just swirled the pen, making patterns.

“It’s a self made tattoo gun,” Cam told Justin, watching as Ashley marked himself without so much as a flinch.

Justin watched, fascinated, his interest in art sparking to life again. He hadn’t felt the need to pick up a pencil since the fateful phone call with his father.

“You want one?” Ashley looked at Justin, his eyes black pools in the darkness of the night.

“Hell no, you can’t draw for shit.”

Ashley raised his eyebrow. “It’s about expression, feelings.”

“But you could at least do a halfway decent design.”

“Like what?”

“Anyone got any paper?”

Leon leaned over and picked up a flier off the floor. Justin took his little finger and dipped it into the ink Ashley was using, and drew a crude tribal design. It was slightly blurred and not as crisp as he would like, but it had potential.

“That’s good man.”

Justin shrugged, it didn’t matter if it was good or not, his art hadn’t gotten him anything but trouble.

“Maybe you could design something for me.” He nodded, it wasn’t like he had to have inspiration or love to design a simple line drawing.

“Hey, do you think if we pool our money tonight we could get a motel room?” Leon asked, shivering as rain started to ride into the tunnel on the back of the bitter wind.

“If we tried to save up some of our money we might be able to get enough together for a deposit on an apartment,” Justin said, longing for a roof to shut out the cruel weather and crueller men.

Leon laughed and lit up another cigarette. “Yeah right.” It was if they were resigned to life on the streets, Justin should get used to it, should resign himself to this way of life. Everyone said once you got into this way of life there was no way out.

“An apartment would be nice,” Cam admitted wistfully, “Somewhere we could be alone.” Where no one would touch them.

“Somewhere we wouldn’t get rained on.” Somewhere safe from life.

“A place away from the tricks.” Away from sex all together.

Justin leaned further into Cam, showing him without words he understood.

Headlights suddenly blinded them and their chatter drifted away, Justin put his hand up, blocking out the harsh light and saw a middle age man get out of the car. It seemed some men wouldn’t let harsh weather conditions stop them from getting their dick sucked.

“Justin’s regular is here,” Leon chanted in a singsong voice as Justin stood unsteadily, weed and alcohol going to his head.

“Where is my tie?” His old St James school tie was thrown in his direction and he caught in on one finger, haphazardly putting it around his neck and the collar of his jacket as he sauntered over the car.

It was funny really, that one thing he still had out of the backpack he’d left home with, was a school tie, an important part of the Academy’s school uniform, it gave him a twisted sense of satisfaction as he watched a trick go wild as he put it on, hold it in his hands as he was fucked from behind. Forever the school boy, but without the school.

“Cam?” Brian pulled his hand away from Justin’s limp fingers as if he’d been burned. He stumbled backwards and tried to shut down his aching heart as Justin called another name.

It didn’t matter, he was awake.

“I’ll get him.” Brian’s mouth felt dry, and his heart was beating painfully fast. If Justin needed Cam right now, he would get Cam and be happy about it.

“Brian?” his voice was husky and slurred, his eyes wincing as he tried to focus. The nurses seemed to appear out of nowhere and he let himself get steered away from the bed, his body numb.

He thought it was a figment of his imagination when he heard a voice asking him to stay.

The clinical whiteness of the corridors made Brian blink, for once the hard plastic chairs were empty of tattoo artists, of hustlers and of his fucked up family.

He was glad, he didn’t want them to see him like this, see him without his defences, feeling lost and completely out of his depth. His friends had never seen him without the façade firmly in place, and he didn’t want them too, didn’t want the feelings that would come with being so open with them.

He should grab a nurse, ask what was happening, if he was OK, but he couldn’t seem to get his mouth to work. He kept replaying the worst night of his life over and over. He saw the smoothed wood strike, could hear the crack of skull and thud as Justin’s body hit the cement.

Justin was awake now though, and he’d spoken, knew who Cam was at least. He must be alright. Brian walked out of the hospital, turning on his cell phone and calling the loft. Cameron picked up and Brian closed his eyes tightly, fighting back the burning tears as he heard the other man’s voice.

“Hello? Hello? Brian Kinney’s residence.”

Brian swallowed repeatedly, licking his lips and clearing his throat before he was able to speak. “He woke up.”

“Justin woke up?” Cameron didn’t need to ask who was on the other line.

“Yeah, the doctors are with him now. Get here quickly, he asked for you.” Brian ended the call and walked back inside, feeling like a ghost, like he wasn’t quite there, just watching his body move around from above.

He sat in the corridor, the crack of skull, thud of body and Justin’s husky voice asking for his best friend racing through his mind. This should be a happy time, yet he’d never felt so nervous, so conflicted.

Brian was leaning forward, elbows resting on knees and head stooped forward as Cam arrived. “Brian,” he called as he saw him, jogging the distance between them until he was in front of the other man.

“You look like shit, what’s wrong, is he OK?”

“He called your name.” Cam frowned, puzzled. Brian looked up and leaned back in the chair. “I held his hand and it was your name he called.” It suddenly seemed the most important thing in the world, Justin calling for Cam and not him. And why would he? He’d left Justin in New York, not bothered to find him and Cam had been there for him, held him through the harsh times, why would Justin want him?

“What the hell does it matter, did you speak to the doctor yet?”

Brian shook his head. “I’m not his emergency contact.” The barb flew from his mouth before he had time to think, he knew this wasn’t the time for this conversation. Justin had woken up, actually woken up and spoken after two weeks of nothing and all he could think about was, he wasn’t the first thought in Justin’s mind.

“Don’t do this Brian, don’t be a fucking asshole when he needs you. Now, I’m going to find a doctor, don’t you dare leave the hospital, you got it.” Cam pushed his shoulders, trying to shake an answer from him. “You got it? If you hurt Justin with your attitude you have me to deal with. We have about fifteen minutes before the guys get here, pull yourself together.”

Cam walked away, stilling slightly as Brian called after him, “Did you sleep with him?” With a shake of the head he carried on walking.

Brian let out a deep breathe and thought of all the ways he didn’t know Justin anymore. Maybe it was a mistake getting so close again, he erected walls for a reason, so no one could hurt him, because the moment you let someone get close, someone will take a bat to it and ruin it.

The hustlers arrived first, sitting down around him without acknowledgement, he was glad of that, he didn’t want to be involved in their idle chatter and nervous movements. They couldn’t seem to keep still, fidgeting and pacing as they waited for news of Justin.

“How close are Justin and Cam?” Brian asked, breaking his silence, deciding to get information from those closest to the two best friends before anyone else interrupted.

“They’re pretty tight,” Leon answered.

“How tight?”

“Closer than brothers, man,” Paul added.

“Right,” Brian drawled out, he could imagine how close that could be. “Do they fuck?”

Leon looked surprised and a laugh bubbled up from the back of his throat. “Not anymore.”

“So they did?” Brian knew how completely pathetic he sounded, but the usual barriers he had with his friends weren’t there, and for some reason, he needed to know.

“If a buck or two was involved, yeah.” Leon shrugged, not understanding why this was important to the other man.

Bren arrived with Jennifer, Molly and Daphne, and Brian bit his tongue, annoyed at being interrupted. He needed to know about Justin’s past, he needed to know what he was letting himself in for and if he was strong enough for it, or if he should walk away now, let Cameron deal with it, he seemed good at doing that.

Brian was angry at himself, he rarely let himself fall to pieces, the last time he recalled was after his father told him he was dying. He didn’t know why he’d let Cam talk him into coming back that night at Babylon, Justin didn’t need him and he wasn’t nurse material. He wouldn’t know how to help Justin through this.

He wanted a drink desperately.

Instead, he leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes to the people around him. In the deep, dark and disturbing caverns of his brain he heard Justin’s laughter, the whoosh of wind as the bat sailed through it, the crack as wood connected with skull and the bang as body crumpled to the floor.

He didn’t think he would ever stop hearing that.

Justin lay in bed, Cameron sitting cross legged on the end. It was almost like old times. It could be them in their apartment after they’d first moved in, still needing the comfort of each other’s presence to get them through the night.

It could be all of those things, except for the led weight of his right arm and the pounding that drummed a constant beat deep down into his brain.

He tried to move his fingers, in his mind they were curling into a fist, his fingernails were digging into his palm making little half moons, but in reality his hand did little more than twitch. He kept his sight locked firmly on Cam, if he looked down he would know how bad it was, he would know that the arm that used to create art was useless.
Unfortunately there was something to take his mind off his useless arm and excruciating headache. He winced, the white walls suddenly seeming too bright. He wished he could slip back into oblivion; he didn’t want to see the look in Brian’s eyes now he knew he’d sold his ass on the streets of New York.

“I don’t think he’ll judge you.”

Justin licked his cracked lips. “I didn’t want him to find out like that. I didn’t want him to find out at all.”

“You think he wouldn’t have found out eventually? A little digging and he’d know all about the hustler that made it big. It’s a story all the hustlers love to tell, it gives them hope of a better future, it’s not something you could hide forever.”

“What did my mother say?”

Cameron shrugged. “You know Jen, she’s in the land of denial. She’s waiting for us all to burst out laughing and say ‘fooled you!’”

Justin groaned, glad he’d been drugged to the hills when his mother had visited with him. He hadn’t been in any state to care what she thought of him then, now was an entirely different story though.

“How am I going to explain it to them?” He went to run his hand over his eyes, his heart pounding when his arm fell uselessly into his lap, before remembering where he was and why.

“You don’t need to explain fuck to them.”

“I sold my ass to strangers for money.”

“You sold your ass to strangers to survive, there’s a difference.”

Justin concentrated on the familiar feel of Cameron sitting opposite him, he thought about Brian, his mother, and the whole Pittsburgh clan because it was the safer. If he thought about the other thing, the person who put him here, he might start screaming and never stop.

“Where is Brian? I haven’t seen him since I woke up.” Maybe it would have been easier if he’d seen Brian before Cam, before his friend could fill him in on what was happening and he had less time to feel guilty about it.

“He was with you when you woke up.”

Justin’s eyes widened. He hadn’t known that. He was sure his mom hadn’t mentioned that to him when he’d seen her.

“Apparently you uttered the word ‘Cam’ and he hasn’t been able to think straight since.” Cam chuckled a little. “You should worry more about the green eyed monster in Brian, than what he’ll think of you for hustling. He seems to think there’s more to us than just friendship, no matter what I say.” His eyes grew serious again. He didn’t want to come between Justin and Brian. “When you explain things to Brian, you can tell him everything, you know, about me.”

Justin wanted to reach across and take his hand, but his balance was off and he was afraid it would interrupt their conversation. “I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can. He might feel less threatened by me then. I don’t want to lose our friendship, and I don’t want you to lose Brian because you couldn’t put his mind at rest about us.”

There was a slight tap on the door, and both men turned around, smiling when they saw Bren. “How are you feeling?” He asked, walking into the room, folding his large frame into the chair next to the bed.

“I feel like we’ve been here before.” Justin’s smile wobbled slightly as they remembered back to when Bren had first found him and hauled his ass to hospital, paying for his medical bills and giving him a chance. “I don’t think you can fix me this time, boss.” Tears suddenly filled his eyes and he let them flow down his cheeks.

Seeing Bren’s familiar, compassionate face had broken down his barriers, and all the uncertainty that had he’d pushed deep into his soul spilled forth upon seeing him. “I don’t think I’ll be tattooing anytime soon.” And upon uttering the words the panic set in. His lungs closed down, his heart started to beat faster and faster, his airways clogged and he couldn’t drag air into his lungs.

He was going to die, and he couldn’t bring himself to care. It would have been better if the bat had killed him outright, with his arm the way it was he was worse off than dead, he was the walking dead. If he couldn’t tattoo, couldn’t paint, draw or create art, what could he do?

They said physiotherapy would help, but no one knew to what degree. He needed a steady hand, it was more than art, it was his livelihood and he didn’t know what else he could do.

Justin watched as Brian stood next to the window, he saw how his fingers clenched and unclenched unconsciously needing to hold a cigarette.

His eyes had looked haunted as he’d entered the tiny hospital room and Justin wanted to cry all over again, but this time for Brian. “I don’t remember it.” Justin said, biting his lip. “I’ve heard second hand what happened, but Daphne wasn’t there. Tell me what happened.”

Brian turned around, hazel eyes glistening he closed them and took a deep, shuddering breath. “I can’t.” Justin edged off the bed slightly, walking over to the older man on unsteady legs.

He went to comfort Brian, but was stopped by a force he didn’t recognise, a chill down his spine, fear in his gut and his head screaming at him not to touch him, not to touch anyone again.

He might not remember what happened to him, but his body did, and that was the worst thing of all, to feel fear of people you love, not knowing why. People had told him what happened, and he understood why he’d be wary of contact, but he didn’t remember it himself, so it shouldn’t apply.

He pushed his left arm out until it made contact with Brian, the sickness rolled in his stomach as he felt soft cotton under his bare fingertips. It was only then he realised his leather gloves were nowhere to be seen.

Brian opened his eyes and looked down at him, some of the fear clenching in Justin’s belly lifted and he let out a deep breath. “Don’t be afraid of me.” Brian whispered, gently putting an arm around Justin’s waist.

“I don’t want to be,” he leaned his cheek against Brian’s chest, “I need to know why I’m feeling like I do. Part of me never wants to remember that night, but another part of me wants to remember every detail. I want to remember you walking in, I want to remember our dance and I want to remember what happened to make me so afraid of physical contact, even yours.”

“I shouldn’t have gone…you told me not to. But I did anyway, and we danced, we showed the fuckers that made your life a misery at school that you were better than them. Then Chris Hobbs,” Justin shuddered at the mention of his name, “showed us that a mere dance doesn’t change anything.”

Justin looked up, his face pale, worried that Chris’s actions would cause Brian to step back from their relationship. “It meant everything.” It was Brian’s way of showing him without words that whatever they had was more than a casual fuck.

“I went to get the car, you waited for me outside the hotel, but I was too far away and I couldn’t stop the bat as he swung it.” Justin reached up tentatively, touching Brian’s cheek, feeling the stubble brush his palm.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Maybe, we should forget about–whatever the fuck it is we’re doing and you should be with Cam–“

Justin pulled himself out of Brian’s arms, stumbling slightly, his right arm swinging uselessly to the side. Brian reached out and steadied him, helping him sit down on the edge of the bed.

“Cam is a friend.”

“You’re closer than brothers, I heard.” Brian went back to the window.

“You have to be closer than brothers when you hustle on the streets.” He said it softly, for the first time admitting what he’d done when he first arrived in New York.

“Jesus, Jus, why didn’t you come home?”

Justin shook his head sadly. “What home? And don’t say the loft, you didn’t want me there, and I know it would never have worked in the long run. I was too young. I wanted to come home, so desperately. I phoned my mom. Dad answered and told me to stay away. That night I put my sketch books in the bin and had sex for cash.” He didn’t tell Brian about the first time, couldn’t. “I didn’t have a home Brian. And Cam, he just showed me the ropes. So we fucked a few times. It was always for a trick, always for money. We are just friends.”

“Sure.”

“Fuck, can’t you just take my word for it? Do you want to know the first time Cameron had sex?” He demanded, Brian looked over but didn’t say anything. “When he was six years old. When was the first time money exchanged hands, when he was eight, but he didn’t see any of it. By the time he was fourteen he was a pro at pleasuring men and when he ran away from home it was the only skill he had. You know what his dream was when he were on the streets? Never to be touched again, not even by me. His dream finally came true. For two years he’s not fucked, he’s had no one fuck him, that’s the longest time he can remember going without sex and he’s loving it.” Justin slumped against the bed after his rant, still feeling a little guilty for revealing all of Cameron’s secrets, even when he said it would be OK.

“What about your feelings for him?”

Justin sighed, irritated. “I don’t have sexual feelings for him because I never got over my feelings for you, is that what you want to hear? Sorry, but for the longest time I didn’t want to be touched either, and I’m not going to deny how close we are, but I’m not in love with him.

I don’t know what I feel for anyone right now. I’m panicking because I’ve never been scared of you, not even that first night, afraid yes, but not scared, and right now I don’t know if I can let anyone get close, not even you.

I’m terrified, Bri, terrified of these emotions, and I’m terrified I’ll never be able to tattoo again. What do I do if I can’t do that? I can’t go back, I can’t.” This must be the longest conversation they’d ever had, but Justin felt no victory in it, he just felt so incredibly tired.

Brian pushed himself away from the window and sat next to Justin, he hesitated in touching the younger man after what he’d just revealed, but found his hand threading with Justin’s anyway.

Brian sat amongst Justin’s hustler friends, playing on the play station he would never admit to buying. The door opened and Mikey walked in, “I have your–shopping.” He frowned as he saw Brian with the boys, moving the bag higher over his hip.

“Fuck, Brian, if I’d known you had me out shopping for the hustlers I would have said no.” He plucked a packet of chips from the top of the bag and threw them at Brian’s head, happy when he hit his target.

Brian refused to be distracted from the game. Leon picked up the chips and waved his thanks to Mikey before opening them and eating contentedly, smacking Pete’s hands away.

Mikey sighed, annoyed at Brian’s lack of attention and put the shopping on the kitchen counter. “This place is a fucking mess.” Sleeping bags littered the floor and denim clad hustlers lounged over every available piece of furniture.

He picked up a few empty bottles of Coca Cola on his way to the living room, putting them in the already overflowing bin.

“Leave that, Mikey, it’s what the cleaner is for.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you should have got the cleaner to do your shopping.”

“If you didn’t want to do me a favour, you should have said no.”

“I thought you were drunk, or high, or something, it’s the only time you ever eat junk like that.”

Brian looked up from the game, and stared into Mikey’s pouting face. “You think I’d get drunk and high in the middle of the day, before going to see Justin?”

Mikey shrugged, uncomfortable, the hustlers weren’t looking, but he knew they were listening to everything he said. “What else am I supposed to think?”

Brian focused back on Lara Croft’s unappetising backside as she ran through the jungle, refusing to show how hurt he felt at that comment. It probably wouldn’t have hurt so much if it wasn’t true, but he knew, without Cam’s intervention, he would probably still be tricking and drinking, all whilst high, all in an unsuccessful attempt to forget what happened to Justin.

“Shit!” Lara died a bloody death and Leon laughed, taking the controls from Brian.

“My turn, loser.”

Brian pushed himself from the sofa, going to the kitchen and getting himself a bottle of water, knowing that Mikey would follow.

“How can you all sit here playing computer games while Justin is in hospital? And why are they still here? Justin’s awake now.”

Brian opened the water taking his time drinking, letting the chilled water run down his throat. “They’re here because Justin wants them to be. Because he needs them. And as too why we’re not there…Justin is at his first physio, we didn’t want to crowd him.”

“What about Cam and Bren? Are they at the hospital, they’re allowed to crowd him?”

Brian laughed dryly. “It sounds to me like you don’t want them here, are you offering to stand by Justin’s bedside and offer him support during physiotherapy?” Mikey had the decency to blush.

“That’s not what I mean, I’m worried about you, don’t want anyone taking advantage of you. How ever you act, I know you’re hurting too.”

“Bren and Cam are at the hospital with Justin. Cam has taken all his holiday from work to be here, and if you hadn’t noticed, Bren owns his own business, in fact, he’s pretty well off, they aren’t taking advantage.”

They were the only ones keeping him sane at the moment. It was amazing how more open he could be with strangers, with people who didn’t expect anything from him, not for themselves anyway. The only thing Cam and Bren, even the hustlers wanted from him was to help Justin, and not hurt him.

“Cam and Bren need to be there for Justin right now, because he needs them more than anyone, they’ve always been there for each other, they’re like his security blanket, or something.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

“Why should it?” Mikey didn’t need to know about the problems he was having with Cameron right now, he’d never hear the end of it otherwise. “Why would Justin need me? I wasn’t there when he started to hustle, I wasn’t there when he ended up in the hospital the first time, I didn’t save him from any of those things, and worst of all, the one time I was there, I couldn’t save him anyway.”

Mikey pulled Brian into his arms, hugging him tightly, unconcerned when he didn’t hug back. “Wait, Justin was in the hospital?”

Brian shook his head, realising he should never have gotten into this conversation with Mikey. “Just leave it, I mean it.”

“OK, jeez, don’t blame me for worrying alright?” There was an uneasy silence before Mikey thought rapidly and changed the subject. “Ma’s going to the hospital after she gets off work, she’s going to take Justin some ‘real food’.” Mikey pulled out another packet of chips from the bag on the counter and opened them, munching absently.

“That’s good.”

***

Brian found Cameron outside Justin’s hospital room later that night. “How is he?”

Cam shook his head sadly, “Not good. They say he may never draw again.” Deep green eyes looked up into hazel eyes. “Which means he won’t be able to tattoo again. He’s convinced he’ll be on the streets, selling his ass to anyone who’ll pay for it.”

“That’s not going to happen.” Brian wouldn’t fail him again, not about something like that.

“I know, do you think Bren would let that happen? Even if Justin never goes back to work at Mechanical Michelangelo, Bren will never let Justin go back to that. Bren would never let either of us go back to that.”

Brian remembered what Justin had revealed about Cameron and found he wasn’t quite sure what to say, if he should bring it up, or pretend he knew nothing. “Look, I know I’ve been shitty…”

Cam laughed softly and shook his head. “There’s no need to try and be nice to me now Justin told you about my shitty childhood. I don’t want you to hurt him.”

“I can’t promise I won’t.” He was an asshole, he was emotionally inept and he was probably the last person Justin should rely on.

“I know, I just didn’t want you to disappear without trying first. He wants me, Bren and the boys around because we’re safe, because he doesn’t have to pretend in front of us, it might take him a while to realise he needs you too, I don’t want him to realise that and for you to then realise you don’t want him needing you.”

“I didn’t save him when it counted, I’m not going to drop out now, when I might be able to make a difference.”

“Good.”

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself, it doesn’t mean we’ll make it, or that we’ll even stay friends, it means I’m not going to let him push me away this time, and if he runs, I’ll find him. I don’t do relationships, I barely do friendships, just ask Mikey.”

Cameron smirked, pleased at Brian’s discomfort.

“Fuck, why are we even talking like this, he’ll be able to draw and tattoo again, it’ll just take a little time and lots of hard work and things between us will be fine.” Brian ran his hand through his hair, “Your little lost boys are still at mine, feel free to join them.”

“He’s sleeping now, don’t wake him up,” Cam said as he waked away.

Justin’s room was bathed in darkness, he lay tangled in the white hospital sheets, a frown marring skin just as pale. Brian moved the chair closer to the bed, careful not to wake him.

Justin murmured in his sleep, twisting, kicking out his legs and tangling them further in the sheets. His right arm twitched and Brian caught it in his hands, rubbing the tender skin and opening his clawed fingers massaging his palm.

“He’ll come home with me of course,” Jennifer said to the doctor, ignoring Justin as he sat in a hospital chair, invisible, alone. “Molly can move into the smaller room to give Justin more space…”

No way was he going to kick Molly out of her room, no way would he be staying with his mother, he’d rather be on the streets. He gave a small laugh and she shot a disapproving look at him. “Don’t kick Mol out of her room.”

She looked back at the doctor without answering him. “…And I’m sure the family will help bringing him to his physiotherapy.”

Justin screamed silently, watching the doctor nod at his mother, talk to her as if the bat had damaged more than his ability to draw. Fuck, he shouldn’t even be talking to her, she wasn’t his emergency contact, she was barely a mother to him anymore.

His chest began to feel tight and his head hurt so badly he could barely keep his eyes open. “I’m going home,” he said loudly, as calmly as he was able.

Jennifer looked down at him, smiled patronisingly and almost went to brush his hair out of his eyes, almost; she let her hand drop away as he flinched away from her. “Of course you are, dear.”

“No, I mean New York, my home.” He couldn’t stay with her, pretend to be the seventeen year old son she’d lost three years before, pretend that he wasn’t an ex-prostitute, pretend that she didn’t know he was an ex-prostitute.

“Justin, don’t be silly, you need to be looked after…”

“Like I needed to be looked after three years ago? Brian did it then, and after him there was Cam and Bren, they’re quite capable of carrying on, I think they’re used to it by now.”

“Justin, you can’t go back to New York yet, your doctors are here.”

He hated how his mother said his name, how she had to say it before each sentence in case he forgot who she was talking to. “No, they’re not, I’m only here now because this is where I got bashed in the head, my doctors, my life is in New York.”

“What’s going on here?” Brian drawled as he and Cameron entered the room carrying an array of books and puzzles to keep Justin occupied. Brian piled Philip Pullman onto the hospital table and fixed his gaze firmly on Jen.

“Tell him, he can’t go back there, his doctors are here.” Jennifer pleaded with Brian, only she’d not realised, she was pleading to the wrong person. Cam had much more sway with the blond than Brian did now.

Cam leaned casually against the doorframe, assessing the situation carefully. The doctor looked young and inexperienced, ill equipped to deal with their family dynamics.

“Is it safe for Justin to travel back to New York yet, doctor?” Cam asked calmly.

The doctor looked at Cam like he was a lifeline, as if he was the only sane person there and he probably was.

“I wouldn’t recommend, you’ve suffered tremendous injuries, Justin, flying is out of the question for now, and I’d recommend staying in Pittsburgh until you’re in a more stable condition.”

He looked at Justin for the first time and with one pitiful look Justin felt phantom fingers grasp his airway. He gasped, wheezing when air couldn’t get to his lungs. Brian pushed past and knelt next to him, gripping his hand.

“Justin, are you alright?”

“It’s a panic attack, calm down, Justin.” The doctor seemed to wake from a trance and turned into a professional, pressing an oxygen mask over his mouth until the fierce grip around his throat seemed to lessen.

Eventually he pulled the mask away, letting his good hand fall limply into his lap. He looked up at Cam, pale blue eyes full of anguish. “I’m not staying here, Cam.” There was resolve in his voice and a silent conversation that told his friend that he wouldn’t, couldn’t stay with his mother during his recovery.

“Justin, you’re being ridiculous, you have to come back with me, you need me.”

Justin shook his head, standing, unable to carry on sitting as they all stood over him. “No mom, I haven’t needed you in a long time.”

Tears fell from Jennifer’s eyes and Justin forced himself to be strong, he wouldn’t give in to her tears.

“You almost died; I just want you with me, where I can see you.”

“I’ve lived on my own too long to let you mother me. Fuck, I need to get out of here.” He walked out of the room, Jennifer running after him.

“Where are you going?” She demanded.

He looked over his shoulder, “To the gardens, I need some fresh air.”

***
Justin sat on the bench opposite the dying rosebushes, their leaves were brown and brittle, his fingers itched to draw them, to give them life, the picture was so clear in his mind, how the frosty moonlight glistened over each leaf, how the shadows danced on the soil beneath.

His hand twitched at the thought, twitched uselessly, it scared him, he felt like he was shut in a tiny room and he couldn’t get out. Not being able to use his hand made everything seem claustrophobic, even the air seemed to crowd him.

He looked down at his hand, curling uselessly, leaning on his thigh. His tattoos seemed to stand out more than usual, and for the first time since he’d realised just what a mess he’d made of his palms, he didn’t feel the need to cover them up with gloves. It was too late now anyone, everyone had seen.

Maybe he deserved this; it was what he was aiming towards as he continued to tattoo infected skin, the needle digging into his weeping hands, injecting black ink. If Bren hadn’t found him back then he would have probably lost them.

He had to go back home, where people might know what happened to him, but wouldn’t hound him, where their disapproving looks wouldn’t matter, where people wouldn’t be shocked because he’d sold his ass.

Pittsburgh was his past, full of people that hated him for being different, for having the balls to come out while at school, though Brian didn’t really give him a choice there. No matter what, in the eyes of the people he went to school with, he’d always be the one they talked about, the gay one that disappeared and let men fuck him for a few bucks. It wouldn’t matter that he’d been a successful tattooist, it didn’t matter now anyway, he probably would never tattoo again.

He could barely do the exercises the physiotherapist gave him.

Justin jumped as someone sat next to him, he turned around and saw Brian, he was holding out a thick jumper. Justin pulled it over his head gratefully, only now realising how cold it was.

“Tonight isn’t one of the best nights for a stroll, and in the future, I’d suggest swapping the slippers for shoes.” Brian raised an eyebrow, then looked down at Justin’s slipper clad feet.

Justin let out a soft laugh, and didn’t flinch away as Brian butted his shoulder with his own. “I can’t stay with my mother, Bri. One weeks vacation with her was enough to drive us both insane. And I can’t live with her disappointment.”

“Over what?”

“The hustling,” Justin turned to look at him, his blue eyes wide, “I can’t stand to see your disappointment either.”

“I’m not disappointed, I just–wished I’d done something different, so you’d never had to make that decision.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Fuck, how can you say that? And I’m not talking just about the hustling, we do what we have to do to survive, but you almost tattooed your life away, as you so kindly showed me, if I hadn’t kicked you out that day none of it would have happened.”

“Yeah, none of it,” Justin stressed, “I wouldn’t have learned to tattoo, I wouldn’t have Cam, Bren, or the guys in my life and I would probably still be pining after you, leaning on you like a love sick, weak little fag. I needed to get away, I see that now, my father did me a favour when he told me to stay away.”

“You don’t have to stay away now. If you don’t want to stay with your mother you can stay with me.”

Justin laughed and shook his head. “Because that worked so great before.”

“I think we’ve both matured since then, plus, we both know you’ll be going back to New York as soon as you’re given the all clear.”

“Why are you being so reasonable? Why haven’t you shouted, or told me how very disappointed you are in me yet?” Justin asked, confusion racing around his muddled brain, making his head ache more so than usual.

“I’m not going to lie, I wish you’d told me about the hustling, to find out something like that off the TV is something I never want to repeat.”

“I didn’t want anyone to find out,” Justin admitted, “I’d done so well at keeping my New York life and my Pittsburgh life separate until you came back on the scene.”

“Yeah, well, I’m good at addling the brain, just ask Melanie. So, what do you say about my offer?”

“I don’t think so Bri.”

“If I can cope with five hustlers taking over my pad these last few weeks, I think I can cope with one recovering tattooist, alright?”

“They’re staying with you? They wouldn’t say, just gave me this smug look. I bet Mikey isn’t happy.”

Brian snorted, “It’s none of his business, and it’s not as if I’m going to adopt one of the little tykes.”

Brian ushered Justin and Jennifer through the doors and away from flashing cameras, he shut the door behind them when all he wanted to do was turn around and thump the closest person with a flash.

Fucking reporters…

The ride in the elevator was a long one and Brian could feel the tension radiating from Jen, he refused to rise to it. Justin had chosen where he wanted to be and she would just have to deal with that.

Justin headed straight for the bathroom, walking stiffly through Brian’s bedroom. Jennifer made to follow him but Brian caught her arm. “Leave him.”

She shrugged him off and glared. “He’s my son, I have to see if he’s OK.”

“He doesn’t need to help him take a piss.”

“You should have persuaded him to come home, it’s what he needs, to be surrounded by his family.”

“I think you’re wrong, I think he needs space, he needs to sort things out for himself without people crowding him.” He had an image of Jen in a white coat, clip board in hand, noting down every move Justin made, including taking a piss.

“What hold do you have over him, Brian? When he was seventeen, even now he prefers to be with you than his own mother.”

“You’re sounding like a jealous wife. You’re his mother, Jen, and you’re expecting too much. He’s took a fucking bat to the head, let him be, let him be wherever he wants to be.” He refused to join in the tug of war Jen was so intent on starting.

He heard the toilet flush and Justin walked back out into the living room, hovering uncomfortably.

Justin wished his friends hadn’t left already, they were great buffers, great in the time of need, great for hiding behind, but he understood why they’d left before he came out of the hospital, they wanted him to have peace and quiet and they didn’t want to get too used to luxuries they would have to do without as soon as they returned to New York.

He wanted his mother to leave, yet he didn’t want to be alone with Brian. He felt so lost.

“Do you want me to make you anything to eat, sweetie?” Jen asked as she saw him.

Justin shook his head slowly, “No thanks, I’m pretty beat.”

“Why don’t you get some sleep while I do some work, I’ll order takeout when you wake up.” Justin smiled gratefully and turned back to Brian’s bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and getting under the sheets, letting the luxurious material send him into a world of nightmares.

***

Brian minimised his email account and stood restlessly. The loft was so quiet, and he’d turned the overhead lights off so not to disturb Justin. He wondered over to the TV and looked at the remote control, but couldn’t bring himself to switch it on. He found himself walking towards his bedroom, his mind telling him to stay away, to leave him alone to sleep, to heal, his feet paid them no heed, they only stopped until he had a good view of the blond.

He stood in the doorway Justin never bothered to closed and looked at his pale form as it twisted around the blackness of his sheets. He looked unreal lying there like that, his tattoos bleeding into the sheets making it look like he was getting swallowed by darkness.

The thought bothered Brian more than he would like. He took a step towards the bed, listening for Justin’s breathing. It had become a habit he’d picked up while Justin was in hospital, listening to his breath, watching his chest move in and out, physical proof that Justin was still alive.

Justin mumbled something in his sleep and flipped over, the sheets riding low on his hips, showing the swirl of light blond hair trailing from navel to groin. Brian felt his cock harden, disgusted at himself he moved away, deciding to order in pizza, hoping to tempt Justin into eating and distract his hard-on from the slumbering blond.

Justin woke when he smelled pizza and padded into the kitchen, clad in a long sleeved t-shirt and his boxers, Brian tried to remain immune, he shouldn’t be even thinking about fucking with what had happened to Justin.

“I ordered pizza.” Brian lifted up the box.

“Thanks, you didn’t have to though, whatever you wanted would be fine.”

“Maybe I wanted pizza.”

Justin laughed softly, “yeah, whatever.” He walked over to the sofa, still feeling tired and sluggish, curling up, his feet tucked beneath him, he called to Brian, “Is it OK if I turn the TV on?”

“You don’t have to ask.”

He let the TV flicker to life and flicked through the channels, finding nothing that interested him, but wanted something to keep him occupied, to stop the awkward quietness that had never happened between them before.

Brian picked up two bottles of water and placed them and the pizza on the coffee table in front of the sofa, sitting next to Justin, so close their shoulders brushed every time they moved to take a slice.

“What did you do to keep the gang away?” Justin asked, knowing it had to be something radical to keep Debbie from turning up with mountains of homemade pasta.

“I threatened them with castration.”

“I bet Deb was terrified.”

Brian turned to look at Justin, for the first time since he had picked him up at the hospital, he looked into clear blue eyes that hid a wealth of pain. He looked so young in his makeshift pyjamas, his baggy t-shirt pulled over his knees in a childlike fashion

“You have no idea.” It came out as a whisper, though it wasn’t meant to, it was as if his mind didn’t want his voice to interrupt them. With gentle fingers Brian traced Justin’s jaw; he only flinched a little before leaning into his touch. Brian turned his head sideways, fingers trailing upwards, circling Justin’s ear and tracing his hairline, finding the still pink scar, remnants of bat and operation.

Justin stayed utterly still as Brian touched him gently. His heart pounded in his chest, fear, desire, hope, despair, Justin wasn’t sure why. He loved and loathed the touch at the same time. It was Brian, he always wanted to be connected with him in some way, but he couldn’t let go of the sickness creeping into his gut.

His head was telling him not to let anyone close, that whenever he did he always got hurt; his first attempt at a relationship with Brian, his phone call to his father, the first time with a trick, the ‘real’ first time, and then Chris Hobbs.

One bash to the head had taken more than his hand, it had taken his memories, memories that were so important to him and Brian, pinnacle to their relationship, it was Brian showing him with actions how much he cared and now he couldn’t remember.

Instead of something good the memory had been replaced by fear and his confused body didn’t realise that Brian wasn’t a threat. He leaned forward, against all the protests screaming in his head he pressed his dry, shaking lips to Brian’s.

He had to do this, he couldn’t take been afraid of Brian, afraid of intimacy with the man that had given him more pleasure than anyone else.

Brian cradled Justin’s precious skull in his hand, letting the blond kiss him almost frantically. Justin clutched Brian’s shirt, pulling the other man closer to him. His eyes were closed, his brow furrowed as he tried to will pleasure into the kiss.

Brian pulled away. “We don’t have to do this.”

Justin opened his eyes, glistening blue pools of pain, “I have to make this feeling go away.” His hands were still clutched into the material of Brian’s shirt, his right hand jerked, a painful spasm starting in his fingertips before riding up to his shoulder. He pulled his other hand away from Brian and held his upper arm into his side, trying to stop the movement.

Brian placed his hand on top of Justin’s. “What feelings?”

“Fear,” Justin admitted, biting his lip, “fear of your touch. I hate that, Brian, I don’t want to fear you, make it go away.”

He shouldn’t, he knew that, knew he should leave Justin to heal both physically and mentally, but he was powerless to deny him. He wanted to sooth Justin’s fears and lose himself in the blond’s flesh, assure himself that he was still there, that the wooden bat hadn’t taken him.

Brian leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Justin’s hairline, feeling the raised pink line beneath his lips. He kissed the frown lines from his forehead and the frowns from the corner of his lips before his mouth hovered over Justin’s, slowly descending until they touched, unmoving for what seemed like eternity.

He deepened the kiss, moving so slowly it was if they were in slow motion. Justin put his left hand around Brian’s neck for balance as he let the older man take control of the kiss. It was passionate, deep and searching, yet slow and tender, all the things a kiss should be, all the things he’d always wanted from Brian–before.

Brian pulled away when lack of air became a problem, he looked into Justin’s pale face and noticed his kiss swollen lips, the way his breathing was coming out in small gasps. It took him a while to decide if it was a panic attack or desire, but Justin pulled his t-shirt over his head and Brian pushed his worries to the back of his mind.

Justin watched as Brian’s hands moved towards him and he willed his body not to flinch as hot fingertips scorched his chest, followed a path of vines around his nipple and hardening it to a peak.

He thought back to the first night they’d met, the first time they’d fucked, his eyes drinking in the sight of a naked Brian, his body lean, butt pale from his tan line adding to the attraction.

He pulled at Brian’s shirt, knowing he couldn’t undo the buttons himself, not without killing the mood completely. “Take it off.” Brian stood and stripped off completely, he held his hand out to Justin and waited.

Justin sucked in a deep breath and put his weak hand in Brian’s. The sentiment wasn’t lost on him. He led Justin back to bed, the sheets still rumpled from Justin’s nap.

They climbed onto the bed side by side, both silent they scooted closer to each other, until they were close enough to feel each other’s breath. Justin leaned in close, bypassing Brian’s mouth and kissing his strong jaw, licking a strip from chin to ear, loving the feel of stubble against his tongue.

He could do this. He relaxed into Brian, leaning on his good hand while his bad one lay uselessly in his lap. He used his tongue as a paintbrush, creating art on his very own canvas.

He loved how Brian tasted, a faint hint of cigarettes and danger, he tasted different with every mood, and right now Justin could tell how much he was holding back, how much he wanted this to be good for him.

He leaned back on the bed and waited as Brian crawled over him. Brian’s hand felt red hot as it lay on his hip, as it reached for his cock. Justin gasped as Brian grasped him in his palm.

He jerked him at the same pace he’d kissed him earlier, torturously slow, Justin couldn’t stop his hips lifting off the sheets. Brian chuckled softly and leaned down to kiss him.

He settled between Justin’s legs and Justin automatically hooked his legs around Brian’s waist, groaning as Brian tightened his hold on his cock. He wanted to close his eyes and lose himself in the sensations, but he didn’t dare, he didn’t like what came out of the darkness. Instead he concentrated on Brian above him, watched the emotions flitter across his face, the beads of sweat caress his hairline lovingly.

He let go of Justin’s cock and reached for a condom and a small tube of lubrication, flipping the lid open he squirted some over his fingers and trailed them underneath Justin’s balls and into the crack of his ass until he felt the slight dip of his hole.

Justin held his breath as Brian’s fingers circled his anus before slipping a digit inside. He hissed as a finger breached the muscle but he couldn’t stop himself from tensing. He trained his eyes on Brian’s face so he knew who it was, knew it was Brian touching him like this. Brian ripped open the foil with his teeth and rolled the condom onto his erection.

Justin tensed as Brian leaned forward and dipped his hips, cock looking for Justin’s loosened hole. The tip of him pushed into Justin and suddenly it didn’t matter what his eyes were seeing, didn’t matter that it was Brian, his mind and body cried out in protest.

He dropped his legs from Brian’s hips and used his heals to scoot up the bed. Brian looked up, shock on his face. “Justin…?”

“No,” Justin wheezed, eyes wild, filling with angry tears, anger at himself for feeling violated as Brian tried to make love to him. And this was lovemaking. Never had anyone been so loving, so tender and so thorough. Maybe he only knew how to take violence now. “I can’t.” His breath came in short spurts. “Get…off…me.” He pushed at Brian’s shoulders until he rolled off him.

“Justin…”

“Fuck,” Justin tried to calm his breathing but couldn’t help it, he wanted Brian so much, but he just couldn’t do it. “Fuck!”

“It’s OK.”

“It’s not OK.” It would never be OK. “I want you Brian, I don’t know I’m like this…”

Brian placed a hand on his arm and Justin was too upset to flinch. “There’s no rush.” Brian gently eased himself next to Justin, his erection failing fast, he pulled the younger man into his arms and was glad he allowed the comfort.

Justin stayed in Brian’s arms until his breathing got under control, then he pulled himself out and hunted for a pair of sweats to cover his nakedness. Brian sighed and did the same, not wanting to make Justin uncomfortable.

“Do you want me to call Cam?” Brian asked, shocked at himself for even suggesting it.

Justin’s eyes widened slightly, surprised at Brian’s offer. His heart ached at the mention of Cam and his eyes filled with tears. He felt like a child who’d had a bad scare and wanted to lie in the comfort of his mother’s arms.

Cam had been mother, father, friend, lover to him; it was he who usually helped him with things got rough. He nodded at Brian and tried to keep the tears at bay.

Brian wheeled the TV into the bedroom, taking his time setting it up and leaving the two men to talk together in the relative privacy of the living room. He heard faint murmurs and only strength of will stopped him straining his ears to hear what they were saying.

To hear the magic words Cameron had to comfort Justin, hear them and learn them until he knew them off by heart and Justin didn’t need the comfort of a man who was closer than a friend and more than a brother.

It wasn’t so long ago he had the magic words, that’s what Mikey used to say, but it seemed his words only worked with tricks wanting to fuck in a come-spattered back room of a dingy nightclub. When it came to emotions, to consoling someone who meant more to him that he was comfortable with, he didn’t know jack shit.

It was irrational thinking, and he just was glad someone was able to help Justin when it was clear he wasn’t doing a good job of it, he wished he knew what to say, how to touch him, but most of all he wished he’d stopped that bat before it even connected with Justin’s skull.

He’d let Justin down so many times. When he threw him out of the loft, when he never took the time to search for him in New York and when he didn’t stop Chris Hobbs attacking him. He wasn’t good when it came to friendship, he was worse when it came to relationships, he’d fuck it up sooner or later, so why try?

He’d lived by those silent thoughts for years, putting on an act that kept his heart and head safe, but somehow Justin had seen through it and no matter how much Brian didn’t want it to happen, how much he told himself, Justin and others that he didn’t care, the blond didn’t buy it.

He couldn’t stop what his heart felt, deep beneath the surface, beneath skin and bone, masks and lies he wished he was the one who was able to comfort Justin and take his pain away,

Quietly he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of popcorn; placing it in the microwave and watching it go round intently, refusing to look over at them.

Justin and Cameron were acutely aware of Brian as he walked softly around the loft, but that didn’t stop them holding each other like they used to; when the streets got too much, the tricks got too rough and no one understood the fear, the loneliness or the pain like each other did, they would hold onto each other until the sunlight beat away the night.

Justin shuddered in Cam’s arms, the panic slowly relenting with each twitch. Cam’s touch was harmless, asexual and safe. He expected nothing from that simple touch, in fact, wanted nothing. Justin knew how his friend hated to be touched, but it was different with them, always had been. Even when they fucked there was no sexual chemistry there, it was safe, they were safe together.

“You OK?” Cam murmured against the shell of Justin’s ear.

Justin nodded into Cam’s neck, sighing peacefully and closing his eyes. “Yeah. I couldn’t do it though.”

“Do what?”

“Let him fuck me.”

Cam tightened his arms around Justin. “I know how that is.”

“You don’t. I want it, fuck, I made a career out of it, why am I freaking out now? A bat to the head has nothing to do with sex.”

“It’s about touch. It’s all connected, Chris Hobbs violated you, touched you against your will, it doesn’t matter if it was sexual or not, you need to heal from that, emotionally as well as physically.”

“What if I never heal from that?” Justin sat back against the sofa, worrying his bottom lip.

“You’ll heal.”

“How can you be so certain?”

“You’re stronger than me, you didn’t let the streets break you, you won’t let this break you.”

“You didn’t let the streets break you either.”

“No, I was already broken.”

Cam looked over at Brian, then back at Justin. “Brian will help you through it.” He stood and walked over to the fridge, pulling three bottles of water and handing one to Brian. “You’re doing good, don’t worry so much,” Cam said, unscrewing the cap off his water.

“Yeah, doing so well, you’re here.”

Cam rolled his eyes at the older man. “It shows you care at least, he knows that.”

The microwave pinged and Brian took out the freshly popped corn. “So, are we watching movies or what?”

“You ready, Jus?” Cam called, walking into the bedroom and making himself comfortable on Brian’s large bed. Justin waited for Brian to pour the popcorn into a large bowl, and walked in with him.

It was a small gesture but Brian couldn’t help but feel pleased by it.

Brian saw Cam, grinning wickedly and waving two DVDs at them. Brian shook his head, adamant he would not watch either of them.

“No, oh so, no.”

“Come on, Bri, this is a him-flick night. Beer, toilet humour, semi pretty men, and the creators of South Park.”

“They’ll make my eyes bleed,” Brian said dryly, piling cushions against the strip lighting at the head of his bed and getting comfortable.

Justin lay next to him, sharing his pillows, feeling brave now that Cam was here. “They are our favourite movies.”

Cam nodded his agreement. “We have all night, we can watch both.” Cam slipped one DVD into the player and pressed play.

The movie became bearable the closer Justin moved towards Brian. They started by brushing shoulders and soon Justin lay his head on Brian’s shoulder, happily crunching popcorn every now and then.

Justin’s eyes started to droop as he watched the TV and he let the familiar movie and familiar people wash over him, caress him with a tender hand and create a safe haven he felt comfortable snoozing within.

Justin moved down the bed, his head resting on the feathered cushion, his face close to Brian’s waist.

“This is terrible,” Brian complained, Justin smiled silently and moved closer to Brian.

Brian ate the popcorn, needing to do something with his hands so he didn’t scare Justin into moving, he willed his body to stay relaxed, pretending not to notice as Justin moved closer and closer.

“I love this part.” Cam grabbed a handful of popcorn and lay on his stomach, eyes as close to the TV as he could humanly get and still see the picture. His lower legs waved in the air marring Brian’s view every so often, but he didn’t care, he’d watch any crap if it meant having the young blond touching him.

Justin lay with his head resting against Brian’s thigh, his eyes were heavy and he could barely see the TV from his position, but he didn’t mind, a kind of peace had fallen over him, he felt safe, wrapped in cotton wool.

The TV men chanted ‘Beers, Beers’, making Cam laugh out loud, Justin smiled softly and closed his eyes, listening as the movie he and Cam had watched so often, threw out cheap joke after cheap joke.

“Do you want us to turn it off?” Brian asked looking down, seeing Justin drifting off.

Justin opened one eye, looking up into Brian’s concerned eyes. “No, I’m listening.” He closed his eyes again and turned his face into Brian’s taut stomach.

The tension from earlier had disappeared with the appearance of Cameron and an arm full of cheesy DVDs. Justin was content to snooze in and out of consciousness, happy in the knowledge Brian and Cameron were within touching distance.

“You’re listening?” Humour gave Brian’s voice a lyrical lilt Justin wished he heard more of.

He nodded, his nose rubbing against the soft material of Brian’s jumper. “I’ve watched it so many times before I can see the picture on the back of my eyelids.”

“You can watch your show and we could watch the other DVD.”

“Which one?” Cam asked, looking away from the screen long enough to see Justin resting against Brian’s stomach.

Brian smirked over at Cam. “Orgazmo.”

“Stunt cock!” Justin and Cameron shouted at the same time, laughing like carefree children.

“Baseketball is my favourite.” Justin said, eyes still closed. “It shows you anything is possible.”