Title: Now I Lay Me Down...
Author: phobosgirl (phobosgirl@hotmail.com)
Date: 7/7/05
Rating: R
Authors notes: What if things didn't happen the way they did? Feedback is more than welcome and can be sent to phobosgirl@hotmail.com. Thank you to vibrant_daphne, my beta and daughter. How lucky could a mom get? ;)
Disclaimer: Don't own them, wouldn't want to.
Warnings: You've been warned, remember that.
Complete: yes


Now I Lay Me Down

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Where are we?"

"Look around you, Sunshine. What do you see?"

"Nothing. I see nothing, except you. It's all just… it's like white noise."

"Yeah. Who knew it would look like this?"

"Who knew what would look like this?"

"Well, honestly, I never thought I'd get here, was sure it either didn't exist or that I didn't deserve it, but since you're here, too, then there's only one place it could be."

"And that is?"

"Heaven, Sunshine. We're in heaven."

"No fucking way!"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Then... we're... dead??"

"Yes. We're dead."

"Wait a minute! I've been here a while and I was all alone. I don't know what the fuck is going on. But you just got here and suddenly you know everything?"

"Yeah. That's because I chose to come here. You didn't."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Chose?"

"Um hmm. I overdosed, Justin. I wanted to come here."

"Why??"

"Because you were here."

"Huh?"

"Ok, maybe it was only partly because I hoped I'd see you here. Mostly it was just because I couldn't deal with it."

"Deal with what?"

"You dying in that explosion."

"What explosion?"

"You really don't remember anything, do you? You were at a political rally, remember? At Babylon?"

"Wait, I think I... I'm not sure... what happened?"

"Some lunatic wired the place to blow. And fuck, did it ever! Sky-fucking-high."

"Oh, Brian."

"I searched for you in the rubble. There were still flames everywhere and the smoke was thick as soup. I found you, though. A piece of debris had pierced your chest. You were already gone. There wasn't anything I could do."

"Oh my god. Brian-"

"I held you and I was screaming and they finally had to pry you away from me. You were covered in blood. I knew I'd never get that blood off my hands, not a second time. I got to wash it away, once, after the prom, after you were ok, and in my bed, in my life. But I knew I didn't deserve another chance like that. Because you really were dead, this time. And I'd never told you how much you mean to me. I couldn't live with that. So I did it. Mixed together all the stash I had in the loft-"

"No, Brian-"

"And snorted it all at once."

"Oh, Brian, no, please-"

"It was over almost instantly. No pain. No more pain, Justin, just… here… and you. Thank God I found you here."

"Brian."

"I love you. I never told you because I was a coward. I love you."

"I love you, Brian."

"And I'm sorry. So fucking sorry that it had to take both of us dying before I could say it."

"You don't do apologies-"

"And I regret all of it, Justin, all the cruel words, all the times I hurt you, all the times I let you down, disappointed you. All the opportunities I missed with you. I regret so much."

"You don't do regrets, either, Brian."

"This is heaven, Sunshine. I can do whatever the fuck I want, now."

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"How can we be sure this is heaven? I mean, how do we know it's not purgatory or something? Some other fucking dimension? How can we be sure?"

"We can be sure, Justin."

"How?"

"Look around you. Do you see anyone here but us?"

"No."

"If that's not heaven, I don't know what is. You. And me. Here. Forever. Yeah, I'm sure, Justin."

"You're freaking me out a little bit, Brian. I mean, all this talk of love and regrets. It's not like you, and what with dying and being dead and waking up here and all... yeah, getting a little freaked out, now."

"Deal. You're gonna have to put up with me for eternity."

"Eternity? As in, forever?"

"That's generally what eternity means, Sunshine."

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"You're right."

"About?"

"This is heaven."



"I pray the Lord, my soul to take..."

The End