Title:  Out Loud
Author:  ficklemuse
Pairing:  Drew/Em

Part I

“Do you think he’s a bottom or a top?” The drag queen gasped as Emmett literally tore the newspaper out of his hands.

‘Gay Scandal! Boyd Likes Boys!’ His heart sank while his stomach crawled up into his throat and for a brief second Emmett thought he was going to be sick all over Liberty Avenue.

“Hey! That’s mine!” He snatched it back and snapped in Emmett’s direction. “Buy your own! Asshole!”

But Emmett didn’t hear him. Reaching for his cell phone Emmett dialed Drew’s number. “Come on. Come on! Pick up.” Emmett murmured as he crossed the street against the light. When the phone went to voice mail Emmett slammed his cell shut. “FUCK!”

“Just name the place and the time honey.” The man walking just behind Emmett replied.

Christ. Drew’d been outed. Not just to Sierra but to all of Pittsburgh. Hell – to all of the country if the AP picked it up and of course they would. “FUCK!” Emmett was still cursing as he viciously twisted his key in the lock on his apartment door. Dropping his keys on the table in the entryway Emmett grabbed the phone out of its cradle and dialed Ted’s cell.

”Hello?”

“Teddy? What happened! How did this happen? When did this happen?”

Ted sighed on the other end of the line. “I don’t know Em. All I know is that I was sound asleep this morning when Brian called me *screaming* from LA.”

”Oh Jesus! It’s out there too?”

”Not yet. Brian got the heads up from someone on the paper. He’s flipped his shit and flying back on the first flight out to try and get Brown Athletics not to cut all ties with Kinnetik.”

”Screw Brian! I don’t care about Kinnetik! I want to know how Drew got outed. Oh God. Does the paper say?”

”You haven’t seen it?”

”I saw the headlines.” Emmett closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the wall. “How bad is it?”

Another sigh. “It’s bad Em. Someone at the motel recognized Drew.”

’But worst of all I’d lose the thing I love the most. Football.’

It was his fault. If he’d never agreed to the affair Drew’s secret would still be a secret. “Oh God…”

’But worst of all I’d lose the thing I love the most. Football.’

“Emmett? It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s the one that’s been living the lie. It wasn’t fair of him to drag you into it.” Ted’s words rang hollowly in Emmett’s ears.

“You don’t understand Teddy. It is my fault. He wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me. Football – it’s his life Teddy. It’s everything to him and now he could lose it. The fans. The endorsements. And Sierra…”

’But worst of all I’d lose the thing I love the most. Football.’

“Sierra’s better off not being married to someone who lies to her.” Ted replied. “You know that better than anyone. Now listen to me Em. Are you listening?”

It occurs briefly to Emmett that Ted’s been spending a little too much time with Brian – he’d adopted some of Brian’s speech patterns. “I’m listening.”

”Don’t talk to anyone. Not anyone about this. The article didn’t identify you as the man he was with and we want to keep it that way okay? So no calling Drew and for god’s sake no seeing him.”

”I *have* to talk to him Teddy. I can’t just let him think I’m the one that outed him. He has to know that I –“

‘But worst of all I’d lose the thing I love the most. Football.’

”Em right now hearing from you could make things worse for him. Just – try and let the dust settle for a bit. Stay home. And try not to worry.”

Emmett snorted. “How am I supposed to do that? Teddy I ruined his life.”

”Take a Xanax and you did *not* ruin anyone’s life Emmett. This is Drew’s mess and he’s got to be the one to clean it up. Just sit tight. I’m picking Brian up from the airport in twenty minutes. If I hear anything I will call you. Just promise me you won’t do anything. Please?”

After hanging up, Emmett barely made it to the bathroom before his breakfast made a sudden reappearance. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood on unsteady legs, leaning against the pedestal sink with one hand while brushing his teeth with the other.

‘But worst of all I’d lose the thing I love the most. Football.’

Drew’s voice – that incredible resonant voice smooth like the finest Kentucky sipping whiskey - kept echoing in the back of Emmett’s mind.

It was two hours, four episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, and thirteen folded socks later when Emmett’s phone rang. He dove across the couch for it. “Hello?”

”Em? It’s me.”

”Teddy. Have you heard anything?”

”All I know is that on Wednesday a maid at the motel saw you and Drew go into a room – and stop to kiss in the doorway. She recognized him and told her husband. Her husband called the tabloids and voila instant scandal. Now nobody knows where Drew is. His agent’s practically pissing himself and that girlfriend of his? Serena – Sierra, whatever she’s screaming for palimony. Just be thankful that no one recognized you Emmett.”

Emmett turned a deaf ear to Ted’s admonishment. Once when he was a little boy in Hazlehurst he and one of his little brothers were racing across their back yard – their arms and legs pumping as fast as they could go. Since he was so much taller and stronger he was out in the lead by at least 25 feet when he ran into a sagging clothes line. It caught him in the neck and laid him out flat. It was the most painful horrible feeling he’d ever had in his life. No matter what he did he couldn’t catch a breath, couldn’t speak – it felt like someone was strangling him. That’s how he felt with Ted’s little bombshell. For a minute he was back in Hazlehurst on the ground crying for his mama.

“So there’s not really anything you can do Em. All we can do is wait for Drew to show up.” A long silence. “Emmett?”

“It wasn’t me.”

”What wasn’t you?”

Emmett cleared his throat “I wasn’t at the hotel on Wednesday. I haven’t been there in a week. He wasn’t with me.” No matter how hard he cleared his throat he couldn’t quite get the catch out of it. “I’ve got to go Ted.”

”Emmett wait – “

“It’s okay. I’m just glad I’m not the one he got caught with. That means none of this is any of my business.” He let out a relieved sigh. “I can just forget the whole thing.”

“I can be over in a half hour.” Ted offered quietly. “Tea and sympathy?”

“That’s alright. You’re busy with Brian. I’m fine Ted. Really. I’ve got to meet with Darren in a little bit and go over ideas for the Lewis anniversary party we’re planning. It’s gonna be incredible. I’m thinking a chocolate fountain with loads of fresh strawberries and pound cake –“

”Em –“

Emmett kept right on. “I said I’m fine Teddy. It’s all for the best.”

“It really is. You’ll see. Look, Brian’s screaming for me to get my ass in gear. I’ll call you tonight and we can go to Woody’s. Their Cosmos are half price.”

“Sure. Sounds good. Thanks Teddy.” Emmett absently let the phone slide from his fingers.

They could say what they wanted about Drew Boyd – but he was nothing if not constant. Once a cheating son of a bitch always a cheating son of a bitch. And the sad reality was that Emmett had let himself be fooled by the fleeting moments of actual affection Drew had shown him. He’d been fooled into thinking that Drew was anything more than a self absorbed asshole who would fuck anything or anyone he wanted with no thought to any of the consequences. He just expected the world to fall to its knees and suck his dick.

A creeping horror took hold of Emmett and he slumped back onto the sofa with a hand over his eyes. “I fucked the straight version of Brian Kinney.”

Maybe Teddy was right. A Xanax was sounding like a very good idea.

After calling Darren and approving the menu – Emmett unplugged his phones and set his cell to voicemail. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone and - bless his heart – Ted would probably fill their friends in on everything anyway and he just didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

He tried watching T.V but turned it off after ten minutes. He tried reading magazines but after the third time reading the same article and not remembering anything about it he set aside Vanity Fair. Checked his e-mail but nothing there.

By the time Ted actually showed up at his door Emmett was happy to see him.

”Em! Why did you turn your phones off? I’ve been worried about you.” Ted slung an arm around Emmett’s shoulders. “Come on. Let’s go to Woody’s.”

”What about Brian?”

“Brian’s in a *shit* mood. Hopefully he’ll pick up a dozen tricks or so at Babylon and they can suck his foul temper out of him.”

Ted looked so hopeful that Emmett felt himself smiling in spite of his own foul mood. “Just let me grab my coat.”

They stood outside of Woody’s for a while saying their final goodbyes for the night and Emmett was actually glad he’d come along. The cosmos had been many and instead of the grilling he’d been expecting, Ted never brought up anything about Drew.

“You want a ride home?” Ted offered standing beside his car.

“Nah you go ahead Teddy. I’m gonna walk.”

”It’s not all that safe Em…”

Hoping to ward off one of Ted’s inevitable lectures, Emmett just squeezed his arm and started off towards his apartment. As far as Liberty Avenue went it was still early and the streets were busy enough that Emmett wasn’t afraid to be walking alone.

Reaching the brownstone Emmett side stepped the figure slumped on the front stoop. “Excuse me.” A strong hang lashed out and caught Emmett by the wrist.

“I need to talk to you.”

”Drew?” Peering around the baseball cap pulled low on his head Emmett could see Drew’s face cast in shadow. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you. Can we go inside? I’ve been waiting for the last hour.”

”We don’t need to talk.” Emmett’s jaw clenched and he shook off Drew’s touch. “And you’re drunk.” He added after catching a whiff of the whiskey on Drew’s breath.

“So? Still need to see you.” Drew pulled himself up with one hand on the stone rail. “Been waiting here for an hour. Anyone coulda seen me. The fuckin’ reporters are all over the house. Every hotel in the whole goddamn city. My agent’s house.” He looked around the busy street with a frown. “Let’s go inside.”

“Gimme one good reason I should let you in.” Emmett demanded.

“Because I don’t have anyplace else to go.” Even though the words are slightly slurred they ring with absolute truth and in spite of his intentions, Emmett finds himself holding the outer door open and allowing Drew to pass through.

Part II

Drew stood in the middle of the living room and what was once an open and airy space suddenly feels cramped and claustrophobic. It’s as if Drew’s very presence sucks all the air out of a room.

Emmett flits back and forth between the kitchen and the doorway, watching as Drew moves from place to place – a half full beer bottle dangling forgotten from one hand. Coffee is the order of the evening. He doesn’t know how many of the forgotten beers friends have been sacrificed to Drew’s appetite for more but he knows it’s not a good sign that Drew is too drunk to comment on the pink shaggy throw pillows on his couch. That alone is enough to tell Emmett that he needs a gallon or so of coffee before they can actually have a serious conversation. Honestly a little coffee wouldn’t hurt him either. Where Drew was a solemn, depressed drunk Emmett tended to get silly and see things through more rose colored glasses. Maybe with enough caffeine they could find a nice middle ground.

“You’ve got a lot of pictures.” Drew commented as Emmett came out of the kitchen with a pot of black coffee and two large mugs.

For some reason the words sound like an accusation, and Emmett’s gaze wanders to the fireplace mantle where one of Drew’s beefy hands holds a picture taken at Michael and Ben’s wedding. “Back when I was a kid – we were poor. Sort of the definition of white trash. Anyway there wasn’t a lot of money. Hell, most of the time there wasn’t any money. So no money, no camera, no camera no film, no film no pictures I don’t have any pictures of the family I left behind.” Emmett plucked the heavy silver frame from Drew’s fingers. “So I keep a lot of pictures of my new family.” It was more than he meant to say, more than he wanted to share and Emmett decided he’d leave the conversation until *after* the coffee. “Here. Sit down and drink this.” He reached for the bottle of beer and set it aside.

“Coffee doesn’t make a person sober. Just keeps ‘em awake.” Drew pointed out but he accepted the mug anyway.

“Yeah well I’d hate like hell to fall asleep while you explain again why you’re here. So shut up and drink up.” Picking a seat a safe distance away, Emmett slid out of his shoes and pulled one of the shaggy pillows onto his lap. They drank in silence, the only exception when Drew opened his mouth to speak only to snap it shut again.

Once the pot of coffee was finished, Emmett got up and moved to the kitchen to start another. He didn’t really need it. Seeing Drew had instantly sobered him. But it allowed him the opportunity to avoid talking.

Emmett felt Drew in the doorway before he spoke.

”I don’t need any more coffee Sport. My teeth are floating.”

“Well maybe I do.” Gritted out while Emmett’s fingers clamped on the coffeepot handle. “Not that what I want seems to hold much weight with you Mr. Boyd.”

A meaty hand closed on the back of Emmett’s neck and Emmett felt himself being turned in Drew’s direction until Drew’s lips hovered next to his ear. “That’s not true. I like giving you what you want.”

“Don’t. Alright? Just don’t try and fuck your way out of this. If you ask me Sport it’s the fucking that got you into this mess.” Emmett twisted his way out of Drew’s grip and faced him. “So who was it? Was it some adoring football fan? Or I know! I bet it was someone who saw the ad for Brown Athletics. That’s it! Somebody liked your billboards. You know? Never mind! Forget I asked. It doesn’t matter who it was. All I hope was that it was worth it.”

“It wasn’t. It wasn’t worth a fucking thing.” Drew stayed directly in front of Emmett keeping him pinned to the counter. “I didn’t even fuck him. I –“ His voice dropped. “I couldn’t fuck him.”

“Why not? A fag’s a fag. A queer’s a queer. You don’t love them, or want to kiss them or even know them remember? All you want is a willing hole.”

”Maybe that was true.” Drew ducked his head and brought it up under Emmett’s chin forcing Emmett’s gaze up. “But I guess it’s not enough now.” At Emmett’s icy stare and frigid silence Drew continued. “And now everything’s fucked up. My career and my life are over.”

”You know for someone who spends as much time as you do defending your manhood – you sure do a marvelous impersonation of a drama queen. Your life isn’t over so long as you’re breathing.” Emmett’s fingers twitched with the urge to reach out to Drew to run his hand over Drew’s face, rub the back of his neck and take away the deep furrow between his brows. Instead he held on to the counter top. “It’s late. If you’re going to stay here you’ll have to put sheets on the bed in the guest room.” He slipped past Drew and out of the kitchen before he actually gave in to the inexplicable urge to comfort the fucker.

Reaching the hall closet Emmett pulled out a set of sheets and two blankets. He handed the blankets to Drew and led him into the small guest room. “This’ll just take a minute.”

Drew stood back in the doorway and glanced over his shoulder and across the hall at the master bedroom. “You have a king sized bed.”

”Yep. Just big enough for this Queen.” Emmett replied smoothing the flannel sheets over the guest single. “I got sick of my feet hanging over the end.” Finishing with the bedding, Emmett turned around only to find Drew right behind him. They were so close Emmett could feel Drew's heart beat. “Well here you go.”

”I’d rather be across the hall with you.” Drew placed his hands on either side of Emmett’s neck his thumbs rubbing Emmett’s jaw. “I wanna be with you.”

Emmett swallowed convulsively as he tried to find the will to push Drew away. It was just almost impossible to do when he was standing so close and Emmett could smell the combination of whiskey and Egoiste cologne. “No. You can stay tonight but that’s it.” Holding his arms out straight Emmett used his fingertips to push Drew back a half step, just far enough for him to slide by. “Goodnight.”
 

Part III

Part IV