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Title: Pitter Patter Goes my Heart
Pitter Patter Goes my Heart
Chapter 1 - Wreck
If I could control tomorrow's
haze
xxx
Justin
I don't want to move here.
Pittsburgh is the last place on my list that I would want to move too. For god's sakes - what the hell was wrong with where we've lived for our entire lives? There was, and there still isn't, anything wrong with New York. New York is...the best place ever. To me anyway. My parents, I suppose, think differently. ("Honey, Pittsburgh is nice. Plus, your father has to move there for work." "Justin - Don't argue. Pittsburgh is just as good as New York.") Yeah fucking right. There's nothing for me in Pittsburgh. New York on the other hand - everything is there for me. How else am I suppose to be a success in art if I'm in the Pitts? New York is the place to be as far as I'm concerned.
But my father doesn't care a rat's ass about my interest in art.
He'd rather me forget all about art and do something...manly like...baseball or something.
You'd think that, after seventeen years of failing to get me interested in any type of sport, that he'd just give up and become familiar with the fact that I'm not going to give up my art. That I'm not going to play some stupid lame sport that I have no interest in whatsoever. Art is the one thing that I'm one-hundred-percent sure of in my life. That and the fact that I'm one-hundred-percent fag too. Something else that my father definitely won't agree with, which would be the reason I haven't yet told him about...me, yet. There's only one single person who knows about me and that's the one thing I'm looking forward to in the Pitts.
Daphne Chanders.
She's been my best friend since forever. She used to live in New York too up until a year ago when her parents decided to pack and leave. Daphne said it was because of her mother’s tendency to get bored of a single place after a while. Though I don't see why it even matters. Her parents are hardly home since they travel on business most of the time, which leaves Daphne, pretty much, alone all the time, which is why I would go to her house daily and nightly since I was old enough to be able to go to friends houses. We're, pretty much up until she moved, inseparable. Even now we still write letters to each other frequently. More than frequently - - more like everyday.
So, at least I’ll have her.
I guess that’s the silver lining ‘cause there sure as hell isn’t anything else here for me.
“Justin, you haven’t talked the entire ride.”
I don’t answer my mother. She and I both know that I’m not in any mood to talk right now. I haven’t been in the mood to talk for the entire four and a half hours that we have been driving. And I still won’t be in the mood to talk when, in thirty minutes, we arrive in Pittsburgh. Jennifer Taylor sighs in the passenger seat and doesn’t even try to get me to talk again. Craig Taylor, on the other hand, shakes his head angrily. “Justin – you have no respect. You know, we’re moving for you. If we hadn’t moved I wouldn’t have a job right now. I wouldn’t be making us any money. Think about how that would be.”
I still don’t say anything.
Fuck him.
“God, Justin! Can’t you act your fucking age? You’re going to be eighteen in a few weeks – not fucking five.”
“Craig, stop, please. You’re not helping anything.”
“He needs to learn some fucking manners.”
“Craig.”
Then they’re silent. Maybe I do need to be grateful but that thought still doesn’t make me feel any happier about any of this. No one speaks until we’re in Pittsburgh.
“We’re here.”
I’m glad my mother sounds so fucking cheerful.
It all happens in a split second.
Craig looks down for the directions to our new home.
Jennifer suddenly yells at him to look at the road.
Then there’s the screeching of metal against metal, crushing of glass, and then all there is…is black.
xxx
Two Weeks Later
What the hell is that noise?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
God, can someone shut it off.
Wait – it’s my alarm clock.
What the hell? I can’t move my arm. I can’t open my eyes. My mouth is so fucking dry. What the hell is going on? Why the fuck is my throat so sore? I need water. God, I really want some water. I try to open my eyes but I can’t. They feel like something is holding them down, bricks or something. I still can’t move. My body won’t move. What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, I try to cry out but I can’t. My throat, it won’t work. I suddenly can’t breathe, I can’t even hear the breathing anymore. My panics the only thing I know.
“He’s awake!”
Who the hell is that? I hear a waterfall of voices next. I don’t understand anything that any of the are saying. God, where the fuck am I?
Then it’s black again and the voices fade away.
xxx
There’s no beeping anymore.
There are no voices anymore.
But, oh shit, there’s a lot of pain. My side hurts, my head is fucking pounding. What the hell is wrong with my arm? I swallow and my throat is still slightly sore but it doesn’t feel so constricted. I can actually breathe now. I moan, glad that I can now. I try to open my eyes but when I do all I see are extremely bright lights. Where the hell am I? I try to remember what happened to me. I know who I am so at least I know that. I remember riding in the car – feeling extremely shitty ‘cause I didn’t want to move to Pittsburgh.
My parents talking.
Trying to make me get over moving.
Everything after that is a blur.
I try opening my eyes again and this time I’m able to let them adjust. When I am able to see I see where, exactly, I’m at. The hospital. My panic starts to rise and I want to speak but I can’t. All I can do is groan. Suddenly, there’s a nurse and I sigh with relief. She has a nice, warm smile but too bad I’m not feeling too nice and warm right now.
“Good morning, Justin. How do you feel?”
I try to ask for some water but, I don’t even need to because she’s handing me a cup of water as if she can read my mind. Well, she doesn’t actually hand it to me, she holds over my mouth and pours it slowly into my mouth, helping me sit up a little bit. It hurts to swallow but the water taste so fucking good and relieving. I pull my head away when I’ve had enough, she puts it down and helps me into a sitting position. I get slightly dizzy and I’m hurling everywhere.
xxx
Brian
Not only did my jeep get trashed – Two people died.
I had tried to swerve out of the way but it hadn’t been enough. The idiot driving hadn’t been watching the road. He had been bending over looking for something. So, at least it wasn’t my fault that he was dead. That’s the only thing really keeping me from feeling like complete shit. I look over at my teen stalker, Daphne, and she smiles over at me. I’ve known her for about a year.
I met her when she moved down here a year ago. She had been sixteen at the time and she had been trying to get a job in my office, lying about her age thinking she could pull it off. I hadn’t hired her but she was there every day, “stalking” me but, honestly, she was fun for a seventeen year old. So, I had let her stick around. She had been the first one at the hospital, probably because she had been the first one I called when I got to the hospital. I only had a few scratches.
I was lucky.
She hadn’t cried until a nurse came and told us who had been in the vehicle and what had happened to the people inside. Craig and Jennifer Taylor had died on impact. Justin Taylor, their son, was in a fucking coma. Daphne happened to know them, which did kind of make me feel like shit. “It’s not your fault,” she had said and I had believed her. But she asked me to come here with her everyday and…how could I say no to a girl who might lose her best friend forever?
We’re now practically friends with the doctor and nurse.
Every day is the same, though.
“Nope, sorry, he’s still asleep.”
And we’ll leave, Daphne depressed.
I have a feeling today will be the same. Except the nurse is smiling and she rushes towards us as soon as she sees us.
“He’s awake.”
xxx
Justin
When I wake up again I’m able to sit up without hurling.
“W-what happened to me?”
When the doctor tells me what happened I can’t believe it. They can’t be dead. I don’t cry ‘cause it’s not true. That’s not possible. Then he tells me I have two visitors and he leaves. A moment later, oh god, there’s Daphne. I don’t care that it hurts a lot when she hugs me. I’m just glad that she’s here. When she pulls back I notice the man with her. She introduces him as Brian Kinney and that’s who the doctor said was in the other car. I wish I could be angry at him, although, from what I have heard, it wasn’t Brian Kinney’s fault. It was my dads.
I swallow and look up at my best friend.
“Please…tell me it’s not true.”
She doesn’t say a word. Maybe it’s because she’s crying.
“Please…”
Then I start to cry. Oh, god, this can’t be happening. Title: Pitter Patter Goes My
Heart Chapter 2 - Blame That nature rains on flames we made Everything Is Not Broken – John Mayer xxx Justin It hasn’t been easy. How could it be easy losing both parents and just coming out of coma that you’ve been in for two weeks? And, you know, I’m not even sad about losing my dad. Honestly, I could careorless about him. My mom, however, I miss her. One thing I do remember about the things that happened before the accident was that I had, pretty much, treated her like shit. If only I’d known… It’s been two weeks since I woke up out of my coma and I’ve been living with Daphne. It isn’t that bad – except her and her family have been, pretty much, walking on eggshells around me. I’m totally over that. But…it doesn’t matter. I’m in the spare bedroom most of the time anyway. I don’t sleep though – well, I try not to anyway. That’s when the nightmares come. I don’t usually remember anything about them, though. I just wake up, hot and sweaty with my heart pounding. So, I try not to sleep. I load up on caffeine. I try not to think. I read a lot. Or sketch. But…whenever I sketch I usually draw sad reminders of what happened. Sometimes I draw my mother, which sends me into total depression. Sometimes I end up drawing my father – his angry face, which just makes me angry. Angry that he hadn’t been paying attention. Angry that it was his fault that my mother was dead. If he had been watching the road instead of doing whatever it was that he was doing…she wouldn’t be gone right now. I wouldn’t be upset right now. I wouldn’t be alone right now. Shit, I wished I could remember what happened. What had made him look away from the road? Had it been my fault that he looked away? I wish I could remember what words were exchanged between the three of us. Then, sometimes I draw Brian. I wish I could blame all of this on him. After all, he had been the other car in the accident. Why couldn’t it have been his fault that my mother was taken from me? But, unlike the feelings I feel when I draw my mother or father; I don’t feel sad or angry when I draw him. I don’t really know what I feel. I don’t even know why I draw him. Sure, he’s fucking gorgeous but I don’t think that’s why. I just…draw and later on his face is looking at me from the page. Anyway, the feeling I feel is…I just don’t know. But I really wish I was angry with him. Then, at times, I draw Daphne. I feel slightly…good when I draw her because, at least I have one person in my life still that I love. She’s like a sister to me. My head jerks up from my sketchpad when there’s a knock at my door. It has to be Daphne because her parents left early this morning to fly out to some other state, I don’t remember. “Come in.” Daphne’s head pops in and she smiles wearily at me. I don’t blame her. I’ve had mood swings lately. Sometimes I’ll be a major ass to her and, sometimes I’ll be alright to be around. Quiet, but alright. “I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to get a bite to eat." I glance over at the clock and suddenly realize that it's dinner time. And that I'm hungry. I haven't really eaten anything since I've gotten out of the hospital. I haven't really had the appetite, which is understandable but I am slightly hungry right now. I sigh and then nod. I haven't eaten out once since getting out of the hospital. I haven't even been out of the house for the entire two weeks. The only people I've seen in the last two weeks have been Daphne and her parents. That's it. Oh, and her friend Emmett Honeycutt who, to say the least, is very nice. He made me feel slightly better, honestly. He's funny, flamboyant and just...I don't know. He just makes me feel...not so sad. But he had only stopped by once. "You don't have to if-" "I said I'd go, Daphne." She quickly nods. "Right, sorry." "It's alright." "Um...I'll wait for you downstairs." She shuts the door behind her and I get up to change. The only things I've worn are my pajamas. There's been no reason to wear normal clothes, especially with me staying in the house for a straight two weeks. There's no one to impress and...I don't want to impress anyone. I trudge towards the closet where Daphne had hung up my clothes. She also folded a bunch and put them in the dresser. I don't call the closet or dresser mine because, well, they aren't. They're Daphne's. I pull on some khaki cargo pants and a blue t-shirt. I run a brush through my knotted, shaggy mess and make it look halfway decent but, like I said, I don't really care if it looks decent or not. I just don't care. I quickly pull on my red converse. I hate to make Daphne wait too long. I head down the stairs and she's waiting for me on the sofa watching VH1 - Best Week Ever. "I'm ready." She turns off the TV, flips off all the lights and leads the two of us outside. It feels kind of weird being outside again considering that I haven't been outside for a while. It's a lot cooler than I thought it would be too. "Are you sure you don't want to get your jacket?" I quickly hurry back inside, jog upstairs and grab my jacket and put on while traveling all the way back downstairs and then I'm outside again. She unlocks her car and we both get in and she starts driving. She's silent. She isn't usually - she's probably been the one person out of her and her parents who hasn't been super careful around me. She'll usually talk but...for some reason she's not tonight. I glance over at her. "Are you alright?" "I'm fine." "You're quiet." "Sorry - what do you wanna talk about?" I shrug, sighing. She's obviously treating me like glass tonight. I don't know why and I don't think she'll come out and tell me why. "Just so you know...Brian's going to be there." Oh, that's probably why. She probably thinks I blame him for this entire ordeal. I wish I did but...unfortunately I don't. "Ok." I feel her looking at me but I don't meet her gaze. Out of my peripheral vision I see her look back at the road and I wish she wouldn't look away. I don't want another wreck to happen. Sure, I doubt it would - she's a good driver...but still. I'll probably be anal about the way people drive for the rest of my life now. "You don't care?" "Why would I care, Daph?" She doesn't reply and I look over at her. "I don't blame him." "Why? You don't even know what happened. You only know what people told you." "Are you telling me I'm being lied to? That it was his fault that my parents are dead?" I'm sure she didn't mean to start this conversation but whether she meant to or not, she did. And I really wished she hadn't. She shakes her head, sighing heavily. "No, it wasn't his fault...I just thought..." "You thought wrong." And that's that. She doesn't say a word. xxx We drive for another ten minutes and then she parks into a place called Liberty Diner. I've never been here. She's told me about it in letters but that's about it. "Emmett will be here too. Along with a few other people you don't know." I only nod and get out of the car, pulling my jacket tighter around myself. She leads the two of us inside. It's warm and toasty inside and I feel slightly better. A slightly bigger woman with crazy red hair beams at us from behind the counter. "Hey, Daph! Haven't seen ya around lately." Daphne grins and the woman comes around the counter and they hug. I think Daphne's told me about this woman too. Debbie or something. I can't really remember. The woman releases Daphne and my best-friend grins over at me. "This is Debbie - Debbie, this is Justin." Debbie grins at me. She's probably heard about the accident by now. If she has she doesn't acknowledge that she knows anything. I smile at her because, well, for some reason I can't just not smile at her. Her smile is, I guess, infectious. "Hey, Sunshine." I look over at Daphne as the woman walks away when someone yells that they want their order taken. "Sunshine?" Daphne smiles and shrugs. "If she gives you a nickname that means she likes you." I only nod and Daphne grabs me by the wrist to a table. I see the back of Brian's head and I see Emmett who's sitting across from him and next to a man with black hair and a Captain Astro shirt. Sitting next to 'Captain Astro' is a man with a white collared shirt and a loose tie. No one's sitting next to Brian. "Hey guys." Daphne pushes me in next to Brian and then she sits next to me. "Guys, this is Justin. Justin, that's Ted, Michael and you know Emmett and Brian." I offer them a small 'hi' but that's all I say. Honestly, I don't know what to say. And, apparently, neither do they. It makes me feel slightly awkward to be honest. Daphne sighs, apparently disappointed at the lack of talk from her friends. I know her intent tonight wasn't to make me feel uncomfortable. She wanted to get me out of the house to try and make me feel better. She doesn't want to make me feel worse. And, actually, I don't feel worse - Just awkward. Soon, Debbie's at our table and breaking the slightly tense silence. "Hiya, boys...and girl, whatcha want to eat?" I just get a cheeseburger - I'm not that hungry. Then the others order and we're back to being silent. Debbie doesn't question it even though she seems like the kind of person who would. She just walks away to get our food. Daphne sighs disappointedly. Suddenly Brian speaks up. At least someone has. "Where's the hub tonight, Mikey?" Michael frowns slightly. "He's not my husband." "Not yet. Give it time." "He had to stay home." Emmett butted in, "Why? You two are inseparable." "Yeah, it makes me sick." Daphne rolls her eyes at Brian's comment. "Shut up, Brian - you're just jealous that you don't have anyone waiting at home for you." Brian snorted. "Yeah, that's the last thing I'd be jealous about." Michael turns to Emmett to answer his question, blatantly ignoring Brian. "He wanted to get some work done." Brian smiles sweetly at him. "He can't get it done if his work is here." Daphne groans and rolls her eyes, as does Ted. The man shakes his head, "There's more then the meaning 'sex' when someone says the word 'work', Brian." Brian smirks over at Ted. "Oh, I wasn't aware." The next ten minutes are spent with Michael and Brian bickering, me listening, Daphne scolding Brian a lot, Ted loathing Brian, and Emmett being...Emmett. They all stop talking when Debbie brings our food. Emmett looks over at me. "So, how've you been, sweetie?" "...I've been...fine." He smiles apologetically at me and then the subject passes and I sigh with relief and eat in silence. I'm not sure what I should say. Should I try and act like nothing happened to me? Should I act totally normal? Should I try and fit in? I glance over at Emmett and Michael who are joking about something having to do with Ted getting 33 dildos for his birthday one year. Ted's listening and laughing with them and I'm glad they're attentions not on me anymore. It had been...I don't know. I just don't like feeling under pressure. I glance over at Daphne who buts in every now and then...she laughs sometimes too. She looks over at me and tells me that she'll tell me the whole story some time. I quickly glance over at Brian who immediately looks over at me too, which makes me quickly look back down at my plate. I don't want to be caught staring after all. I look over at Daphne, not really in the mood to eat anymore. "I'm gonna go get some fresh air." "Want me to come with you?" I quickly shake my head, "No, it'll just be a few minutes." She gets out of the booth to let me out and I hug my jacket tighter against me as I stride outside. I glance down at my watch and realize that we've been out of Daphne's house for an hour and a half. It feels nicer, being out of the house instead of inside all the time. I'm glad I let Daphne take me out to eat. I sit down on a bench, sighing heavily wishing I didn't feel so sick. I wouldn't feel so sick, though, if I didn't stop thinking about her. My mom. I don't remember what I said to her or did to her before she died but all I know is that I hadn't been a bundle of joy. I probably didn't even say 'I love you' to her that day. I had probably been too angry about moving to do that. My eyes start to burn and I try to hold back the tears. I don't want to start crying like a baby. My throat and chest start to hurt from holding them back. My eyes continue to burn and the tears sneak out despite my trying to hold them inside. I lean my face into the palms of my freezing hands. I try to stop thinking. Thinking about the accident is the worst thing I can do right now. Suddenly I feel the bench move slightly as someone sits next to me. I jump slightly, face flying out of my hands and look over at Brian. I hadn't even heard someone exit the diner. I quickly look away; I try and wipe my face before he sees. I have a feeling, however, that he's already seen. Even if he hasn't, he probably knows exactly what I had been doing. I look back over at him wondering what he's doing out here. I watch as he lights a cigarette. He doesn't say anything for a few moments and I start to wonder if he's even going to. When I finally decide that he's not I look away and then he does say something. "I just want to let you know that I think sorry is bullshit," I look over at him, slightly confused. "But, I guess I am sorry. For what happened to your parents." I swallow - not sure of what to say except, "I don't blame you...for what happened...just so you know." He looks over at me, eyebrow raised as if he thought I did blame him. I guess I don't blame him…for thinking that I would, I mean. "You don't?" I shake my head 'no' and he looks away and is silent for a moment. Then, "So...what you're saying is...is that I just fucking broke my own rules and said sorry for no reason? Damn. You should've told me this before I ruined my hard earned reputation." He smiles over at me and I can't help but smile back, "Sorry...I guess." He snorts, blowing smoke out of his mouth. He looks over at me. "If you need anything, give me a call. I know Daphne can get kind of annoying sometimes." He smiles at me, handing me a paper with his number on it and then he stands up. "Or...if you just need something to do when you're bored...and Daphne's 'Cosmo' magazines aren't doing it for you...call me." I smile slightly and nod, standing up too deciding that I should go back in before Daphne comes out for me. Brian starts to walk in but turns around, hand on the door. "And do me a favor. Don't tell any of them that I can actually be nice." I tell him I won't. I want to keep it to myself anyway. Brian I watched as he sat down next to me. I watched as he talked, though he didn't talk much. I even watched him when he was...doing nothing. I watched as he got out of the booth claiming that he had to get a breath of fresh air. I know, however, that he just needs to get away from the happy atmosphere. He's probably had enough laughter for the moment. I'm surprised that he's lasted this long with us, with Emmett's joking and everyone's laughing. I know Daphne's trying to make him forget, for at least a little bit but, I think he's had enough. At least for now. And, quite frankly, I've had enough of their stupid stories that I've heard five million too many times. So, I push Daphne out of the way and make my way out the door leaving a "Taking a smoke," over my shoulder. I open the door seeing his bent over form sitting on the bench. I watch him again - just because I can. Seeing as he doesn't know I'm even here. So, yeah, I watch for a few seconds wondering how much he hates me. He didn't seem mad at me while we were inside eating but...that doesn't mean a damn thing. He could still be angry with me - still blame this all on me. I'm sure he does. Hell, I'd blame myself too if I was in his position...and I do wish I was in his position actually. I'd be ecstatic if my 'rents were both dead and in Hell where they belong with Satan, assuming that there is one. But, I know that this isn't the case with him. Well, his mother at least. From what I heard from Daphne over the last two weeks he's only upset about his mother being gone. He could care less about his father. That's all she told me. She didn't tell me why he hated his father but, I don't need a reason. We have a thing in common though; we both hate our fathers. I sit down next to him - enough watching. I don't want to freak him out if he happens to look up. He does look up when I'm seated. But neither of us says anything. Actually, I'm just waiting for him to vent out on me. Be angry with me since he blames me for the accident. But…he doesn’t vent out on me and I’m not exactly sure why. So, I decide it’s time to get this moving along. "I just want to let you know that I think sorry is bullshit," The look on his face is priceless – tear stained confusion staring at me. "But, I guess I am sorry. For what happened to your parents." And I am. But I hate the fact that I’m still saying sorry. That’s weird – for me to say. I mean, I’m not the type of person to say ‘sorry’ for anything – except this apparently. "I don't blame you...for what happened...just so you know." Well, that’s news to me. Slightly confusing but good news. “You don’t?” He shakes his head and I don’t say anything for a moment. For once, I don’t really know what to say. I’ve never dealt with seventeen-year-olds who’ve lost their parents before. I’m not really used to this kind of thing. I joke with him a few seconds later – I even get a smile, which is good. Good thing no one’s out here with me or they’d see how I am acting, which is not good. Then again, they probably wouldn’t make a big deal out of it – after all, I’m making Sunshine smile. What’s better than that to them at the moment? I get up, ask him not to tell them that I’m nice and he tells me that he won’t and I walk inside. A few minutes later he walks in. A few minutes later Daphne takes him back out. A few minutes later I’m thinking that…I really want Justin Taylor. …As soon as he feels better of course. Title: Pitter Patter Goes My
Heart Pitter Patter Goes my Heart Chapter 3 - Night I’ll sing along, You have my attention xxx Justin It’s been three weeks since my “big outing” to the diner for dinner. I’ll admit, I feel a helluva lot better. Ok, everything may not be peachy, but I’ve learned that…I’ll feel better than I’ve been feeling if I actually let myself out of my confinement. Fresh air is good for a person. So, it started out with just short brief appearances in the living room or kitchen. Sometimes, when Daphne was outside, I’d even step out on the porch to talk with her for a few minutes. Well, she’d talk but I can tell that she’s happy that I’m making small attempts to put some normalcy back into my life. After three days of my “brief appearances” Daphne woke me up. At five in the morning. No one wakes up at five in the morning during the summer. However, Daphne does. She gets up every morning at five and goes out on walks to get her daily exercise. She’s mentally ill, waking up at that time; waking me up at that time! But, she wouldn’t leave me alone so she forced me to get up, shower, and get dressed so that we could both go walking. I guess I’m mentally ill too-I continued doing it with her. xxx “We’re going out tonight.” “Who’s ‘we’re’?” “Me, Emmett, Michael, Ted, Ben, Brian, and, maybe, you.” “Ben?” I wrap my jacket tighter around me. The thing about these morning walks is, is that they’re fucking cold. “Oh, you haven’t met Ben yet. I forgot. Ben is Michael’s boyfriend. They’ve been together for, like…ever.” Oh, so that’s what Brian meant when he had asked Michael where his “hub” had been at the diner that night. Daphne smiles over at me, “He’s really nice. He’s a professor. And, not to mention, he’s nice to look at.” “Are all your guy friends gay?” “No! Well, kind of.” She laughs, “I have at least one straight guy friend.” I smile over at her, shove my hands in my pockets and ask the question I’ve wanted to ask. “So, uh, where are you guys going? Tonight, I mean.” Daphne shrugs, small smile on her face. “To enjoy the nightlife.” “Aren’t your parents coming home tonight?” “Well, yes, but I’m staying at a friends. Wink, wink.” “Oh.” I’m not sure about the whole “enjoying the nightlife” thing. I mean I want to go. Emmett we’ll be there and he’s fun. Brian will be there, though, I doubt he’ll give me too much notice. He might…blow his cover or something…assuming that he really is nice in secret and that he hadn’t just been…I don’t know-trying to make me feel better. And, Ben sounds really nice and I’m sure that I’d really like him if I met him. And…this could be my next step to getting out of the house. Out of Daphne’s neighborhood. “Coming out of my shell” or whatever the fuck. It might be good for me – to get out some more. “I don’t want to force you, Justin. If you don’t want to go I can tell my mom that I’ve decided to stay home with you. It’s really no big deal.” “Whose house are you staying at?” She has to be staying with one of the guys-I think. What other friend would she be staying with? It was obviously all just a lie she told her mom so she could get out. Daphne shrugs, “Who knows? Sometimes I’ll stay with Emmett, rarely with Michael. Sometimes I even force Brian to let me stay at his loft. He has the nicest loft ever. Ah, the life of a very, very rich man.” I smile slightly, rolling my eyes over at her. She shrugs again and our walk begins to lead us back to her house. We’ve already been walking for two hours and, to be honest, I feel…good. “Are you in or out?” “I-I guess I’ll go.” “Yay. You’ll have fun-most likely.” “Thanks for the encouragement.” xxx “He’s going!” As soon as we walk back into the house she’s grabbing the phone and calling Emmett. What the hell? Had they been…planning this? Planning on waiting till a certain time and asking me this certain question? Probably. It sounds like something Daphne would do. I roll my eyes and go upstairs to my bedroom and shut the door. I’m tempted to pick up the phone and listen in since I’m curious as to what they’re saying. But, I resist the temptation. Sighing, I fling myself down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Am I making a right decision? Should I go? Where are we going? To a club? How long will we be out? Do I have anything to wear? Why does it matter what I wear? I tell myself to stop asking questions. It doesn’t matter. Of course I have clothes to wear. I have a lot of clothes. I hear Daphne still running her mouth on the phone and I sit up and grab my sketchpad, and I do what I do best. Draw. I don’t tell myself to draw a certain thing. But, an hour later Brian’s staring from down on the page up at me. I flip the paper to start on something else. I don’t know why I draw Brian. I kind of wished I didn’t ‘cause there’s still that feeling of something I don’t know inside me. And I hate not knowing things and, whenever I draw him, the feelings there. And it’s annoying as hell. So, I draw something else instead. Thirty minutes later the door swings open and Daphne strides in. “Emmett’s excited that you’re going. He was practically screaming with joy. He likes you a lot. Not ‘likes you’ in, like, a…he wants you way. A ‘likes you’ in a…friends way.” I smile slightly. “I knew what you meant, Daph.” Daphne sits down next to me and grabs my sketchbook out of my hands. I don’t really want her flipping through it but we both know that there’s no way I can stop her from doing so. She starts from the beginning, babbling about Emmett being happy that I’m going out with them tonight. “Do you like Brian?” The question kind of throws me. It’s completely random. “W-what?” “Do. You. Like. Brian?” “No! What gave you that idea?” I don’t even know him. There’s no way I can like him. In order to like someone you have to get to know them first-I think. Daphne shrugs and flips to the next page where there’s another picture of Brian. “Well, you’ve drawn him, like, a million times.” I shake my head; snort indignantly. “I have not. I’ve drawn him, like, three times. And, plus, I’ve drawn my father and I hate him. I’ve drawn you and I don’t like you. Well, like that. And I’ve drawn Emmett but,” “I get the point.” “Alright.” “No need to get so defensive.” “I wasn’t!” She smiles. “Whatever you say, Sunshine.” I shake my head and take my sketches away from her. “You know, I wouldn’t blame you if you did like him. He’s hot. And rich.” “You’re a loser.” “No, just a gold digger.” “Yeah-loser.” xxx I look in my closet wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do. I mean, I know I’m supposed to reach inside and grab some clothes so that I can put them on but…what do I do? What do I wear? I still don’t know the exact plans for tonight and, for some reason that I can’t fathom, I’m nervous about going out. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet. Maybe I should stay in. Swallowing down the thought, I reach inside and grab the first pair of pants I see. Jeans. Nice jeans. Ok, good. I reach inside again and grab the first shirt my hand collides with. It’s nothing special. Sky blue. Kind of plain but…whatever. Sighing, I hold the clothes in my arms and walk to Daphne’s room. “Is this alright?” “You’re seventeen. You can’t dress yourself?” “Shut up. I don’t know where we’re going.” “We’re going to a place called a club. A club is a place where bartenders sell drinks-alcoholic drinks-and there’s very loud music and hot guys and dancing…” “I know what a club is!” “Sorry! That’s fine. Where whatever you want. It isn’t a fashion contest. Whatever you wear, Justin, you’ll look good. You’re just lucky like that-unlike some people. Me.” I smile, “That’s not true, Daphne.” I walk back to my room and change. I hurry out before I change my mind and walk back to her room. She’s talking on the phone again and I sit on her bed and listen to her side. “You’re an asshole, Brian.” “Yes, he’s coming if you must know.” He asked about me? That must mean he wants me to come, right? Or maybe he’s asking because he doesn’t want me to come. Shut up. “I’m not answering that question…no! That’s for you to decide when you see him.” What? I almost get up and run back to my room so I can listen in on the phone with them. I look at her curiously but she doesn’t say a word to me. “I said you can find out for yourself…who cares if I’m a girl? Maybe I’m a lesbian.” Yeah right. She laughs for a second and then looks over at me. “Fine, but I’m only answering you because you’re an annoying son of a bitch.” She stares at me for a second and then, “Yes, he looks extremely…nice.” He asked if I looked nice? “Yes! Nice equals hot you idiot.” Not nice, hot. My cheeks heat up slightly and I distract myself with picking up a book and pretending to read it. Not interested. Sighing, I put it down. Now, they’re arguing. I don’t know what about but they are. Playfully…not, like, mean arguing. “Are you done, Brian? ‘Cause you’re supposed to pick us up in five minutes.” She hangs up and smiles over at me. “Ready, party animal?” “…No.” “You can still bail if you want to. I’d understand.” I shrug and stare at my feet. “I don’t want to bail.” She bites her bottom lip. “Are you sure? You don’t look so sure. We can wait…” I quickly shake my head. “I’m sure. I want to go.” She nods and we both go downstairs. I grab my jacket on the way and pull it on and we sit on the couch waiting for Brian to come get us. She hadn’t mentioned that he would be picking us up tonight. Not that it matters, of course. After five minutes of talking, her treading lightly all of the sudden-probably because of my…unsureness- there’s a knock at the door and a black jeep in the driveway. Smiling, Daphne swings open the door while I stand shyly behind her. I won’t bail – I won’t. “It’s about time!” Brian rolls his eyes, looking annoyed. I know he’s not. “Well, someone was holding me up on my phone so I couldn’t get out of the house.” “Yeah, that someone was you.” Brian offers me a look between a smile and a smirk. “Hey.” I smile, not sure what to say because my mouth suddenly feels oddly dry. Dammit. Daphne looks at m questioningly but she keeps the questions to herself. She turns back to Brian. “Well, lets be off guys. We have a full night of fun filled activities to engage in!” Lyrics: The song is 'You Have my Attention' by Copeland.. |