Return to Neverland
by luceononuro


I will now commence with the longest disclaimer in the history of disclaimers.

I was, as were many others, deeply saddened by how the series ended. It seems to have taken me some time to process exactly what bothered me so deeply. But I think it’s this:

The show’s appeal for me really centred around Brian’s character. triciaqaf explains it best:

Brian's character is so compelling and so intoxicating and so tragic, all at the same time. He is 100% why I watched the show. Don't get me wrong - the love story with Justin was very compelling too, but it was predominantly Brian's character that always drew me in.

The tragedy of 513 wasn’t that Brian and Justin didn’t end up together, or get married, or whatever - it was what they did to Brian. His character touched me so deeply - his history, his pain, his success - are all inter-twined.

He is both tragic and heroic, themes I explored in previous stories Evolution
and What’s In a Bruise

The fact that he was abandoned by everyone at the end of 513 was heart-breaking.

ETA: Although I am also a believer that Brian and Justin end up together again - it didn't make the abandonment any easier. However, plumsuede is doing a masterful job in assisting the healing process through YBR.

This is a cathartic post - it started out being a fic and I have ended up with meta - perhaps it’s a fic!meta – you can decide. If you want to read a fic that deals with this masterfully, read equusentric's story Caress The Tiger

Thank-you to everyone in projectplum for their advice – I value you all more than you know.

Let the exorcism begin.

I feel better already ;)


Return to Neverland

In the end it wasn’t what they took from him – it was who they gave it to.

Brian’s image had been built on a foundation of power, seductiveness, and selfishness. But being an icon can become a prison, felt most acutely by the ego caged within. The notion of Brian as the stud of Liberty Avenue was as slick a marketing campaign as Brian had ever created. He sold what friends and family around him wanted, and complied with their need for it to be what he wanted too.

In the beginning there had been no artifice. Brian grew into his sexual power the same way he discovered his intellect; by watching how others reacted to him. People were so willing to credit him with what they felt he already possessed, that he was crowned King before he knew he was ascending to the throne.

Gradually, his unconscious sexuality became knowing and sly. His unbridled lust was more slickly packaged. Brian was selling his image and everyone wanted to buy. But like all rare commodities, he became more valuable through exclusivity. Brian was prized because he was possessed by no one. And he revelled in his power.

But somewhere along the way, the twin demons, Jaded and Cynical, climbed up on Brian’s shoulders and settled in. They were there when some part of Brian became a dispassionate observer to his tricks’ debasement. Wondered with him how little someone could actually require and yet still make themselves fully available. Were there when aloof became a mask for ennui.

It’s possible that at first Brian didn’t notice it wasn’t working for him anymore. That he had missed the moment when going through the motions replaced anticipation. But eventually even Brian knew it was time for a change. The problem was he had become defined by the persona he had created. He thought maybe there was something he was missing but his imagination couldn’t scale the walls of his façade. There was a sense of waiting – but no sense of what for.

For everyone else, Brian’s permanent Peter Pan played a perfect foil to their own struggles with maturity and responsibility. Somehow if he stayed fixed in time, their own progression had a benchmark. And no one wondered what Brian needed.

Brian went along with the fantasy that he was who they thought he was, pretended that he was protected by walls that were unshakeable - impenetrable. His assuredness made their awe worthwhile. For what is marketing after all, but the art of manufactured dreams and never-ending desire.

The problem was that the walls they assumed were constructed of selfishness and arrogance were actually a complicated assembly to protect against criticism, disapproval and condemnation, held together with a mortar of fragile self-worth. The walls, such as they were, protected a vulnerable soul, and in the end that was forgotten, if it was ever truly known.

Brian’s walls were built out of necessity and they had taken a lifetime to construct.

You have to be taught to fear love.

It takes time to snuff out the very last embers of hope.

Learning to count on no one doesn’t happen overnight.

What was amazing, was how disassociated they all were from what caused Brian to be Brian. Perhaps, it was because who he had made himself served their purposes more than it served his.

In the end, it didn’t matter.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lindsay held as tightly to her special place in Brian’s life as Mikey did, but Lindsay was far more subtle. Her relationship with him bordered on proprietary, a complicated mix of friendship love and something else, darker and harder to define.

Brian was right, Lindsay really was his Wendy. And their bond had all of the facets woven into the fairy tale. A vaguely sexualized relationship mixed up with Lindsay mothering the lost boy in Brian. In return, she received access to the ante-chambers within his walls. And from there she was the only type of friend she knew how to be, having grown up in a land where selfishness often masquerades as love. Justin’s leaving for New York, the most recent in a long history of her misguided interventions.

Like Peter Pan, who comes when he pleases, steals hearts, and spends his life having great adventures in Neverland, Lindsay knew if Brian left that magical place she could never go back. So she bade him stay while she lived her life. And, by never letting Brian grow up, Lindsay knew that she would always be the more responsible, custodial parent.

Lindsay called on Brian’s old nemesis Fear to back her up. Fear of growing up, fear of growing old, and, most fatally, fear of being a bad father. Brian’s mistrust of himself to be what Gus needed was ultimately what paralyzed him.

In the end, Brian allowed Gus to slip from his life. And Fear watched Brian from the shadows, and bided his time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And then there was Michael, who needed a saviour and found a real-life super-hero when he discovered Brian. He marvelled at Brian’s self-crafted code of conduct which embodied ‘to thine own self be true’. Never fully realizing when he stepped behind the shield to protect his soft core that Brian was doing the same thing. And if fate destined only friendship because Brian wouldn’t allow any more; Michael felt it was enough as long as there was just the two of them.

If Lindsay was Brian’s Wendy, then Mikey was his Tinkerbelle. His attendant fairy. Willing to share Brian with tricks but not willing to let himself be replaced in his affection.

So it went, over the years. Their friendship working because they both maintained their roles so well. Michael embraced the role of Brian’s defender, becoming his chief apologist. The problem was that his explanations were more often painted with his own interpretation of the world than Brian’s, who’s own motivations were less transparent.

And if it’s true that we continue friendships because we get something out of them, Michael’s return on his investment meant that he could bask in the reflected glow of being close to one so enigmatic. The breathing shadow of the stud of Liberty Avenue.

He asserted pride of position until he realized his own life was full, and not knowing how to move on without creating a moment in time that he could point to and say, it happened there, Mikey chose to pit his choices against Brian’s. Had to make Brian wrong so he could move on guiltlessly.

But when Brian tried to follow him, tried to don the trappings of maturity, Michael sent him back to Neverland. You can’t tell how far you’ve come if your marker keeps moving.

Michael called on another of Brian’s adversaries, Judgment, to help him, and he was only to happy to oblige. Judgment knew Brian well having being heavily employed by his mother. Judgement often traveled with God who was also no friend of Brian’s.

And as Mikey isolated Brian, Judgment moved in a little closer and began to gain strength.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Justin was the fairy-tale character we never met, the partner that Peter would have chosen had he ever grown up.

Brian found Justin and introduced him to Neverland. And Justin, after enjoying what it had to offer, saw that underneath, Neverland was a dark and dissolute place. Fascinating to visit, but not to linger. A place where lost boys grew old but never grew up. A place where you could consume to your heart’s content but never fulfill your heart’s desire.

It was Justin who called to the Peter in Brian and made him long for something more. Who healed his wounds and loved his scars. Who pointed to the horizon with excitement and wonder.

But it isn’t enough to want someone else to grow up, when you have to do the same thing yourself.

So, after scaling the walls. After swimming the tide to Neverland. After being the one who made Brian feel love. Justin was left with the need to pursue his own life. And being young he never realized the price Brian paid to let him go.

And as Justin left, Loneliness slipped under the loft door and drew inspiration from the silence

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brian, the boy who never grew up, was left alone in that sad and lonely place; left behind while the others went on to live brighter lives. The boy they once knew, but dimly remembered.

And maybe it was just coincidence that they all chose to leave at the same time.

Perhaps it could be seen as happenstance, by those who don’t believe in fate. Who don’t believe that providence has a dark side.

But those of us who do believe stood watching as they left.

Watching as they took the power from Brian and handed it to the monsters that lived under his bed.

Watching as he waved good-bye, letting them go, with the dignity of a condemned man.

Watching as he disappeared into Neverland.

And in the end, Fear, Judgment and Loneliness stood with their arms full and watched Brian dance.