Title: Things I Cannot Say
Author: phobosgirl (phobosgirl@hotmail.com)
Date: 2/8/05
Rating: PG-13
Authors notes: Feedback is more than welcome and can be sent to phobosgirl@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, don’t wanna, blah blah
Warnings: none
POV: Brian
Complete: yes


Things I Cannot Say

I can’t tell you that I wake up in the middle of the night a little confused until I feel your body fetched up against mine and then I know why I’m awake. It’s because a part of me knows that watching you sleep is one of the most peaceful, harmonious events of my day. The steady rise and fall of your chest as you breathe reassures me that you will continue. That’ you’ll be here. And god help me, that you’ll live, despite a desperate attempt on your precious life. I have to watch you when you sleep because the only other time you’re ever any closer to yourself is when we make love.

Yes, in my mind, I call it making love. It shames me; it’s something else I can’t tell you, but my body knows, your body knows and I think your heart does, too. Every time you open up, let me slip inside you, every single time, Justin- you break me. I fuck you so hard because if I don’t, more than I can deal with might show in my face, in the way I touch you, in the way I need you.

Yes, I need you. I can’t tell you that because needing someone is terrifying and the person you need has power over you. How can I let anyone have power over me again? When they used it against me? When they beat me and humiliated me? When he drank himself into blind rages? When she slunk away to bed so he could commit his crimes against Claire and I in secret? When power over another human being means the power to hurt? But more than that- the power to obliterate.

You have that power and I can never tell you so. When the bat came down on your head, I was shattered into a million pieces. When you left me for someone else, I lost who I was. When you went to California, my insides went with you and nothing remained behind but my shell. You have the power to turn me into a ghost, a wisp of fog, a tiny exhalation of breath- just by turning away from me.

I can’t tell you that my happiness rests uneasily with you. We’re adults, we’re men and we’re queer. We’re expected to be whole, alone, without the assistance of anyone else. If we can’t make it alone, we will never survive a world that hates and fears us. And yes, I could survive without you, I’ve done it. I breathe in and out. I take in enough sustenance to keep me alive. I go to work and I do my job, but without you, there is no happiness. Yes, you complete me.

And I long to complete you but I know that you’re already whole, with or without me. I’ll never tell you I know that. I can barely tell myself because almost above all, that terrifies me to my core. It means that you can leave me. That you can live a happy life without me and that maybe, one day when you just can’t take anymore, you will. That you’ll go off and find someone who deserves you. Someone unafraid of you and your tenacity and your courage and your convictions and your pride. Someone not me. Someone who loves you.

I do love you and one day I will tell you, Justin. And I won’t be afraid. And I won’t be jaded. And I won’t be the man who disappoints you more than he makes you proud. And when I say it I won’t be an abused son and an absent father. And I’ll be whole and proud and brave, like you, because you deserve it.

In the meantime, while I gather myself to be the person you think I am, please hold on, wait for me and understand the things I cannot say.

The End