Title:  Variations on a Theme - Chapter 10
Author:  Sherrie
Go back to Chapter 9
 

Ian could sense as he took the stage amidst thunderous applause that the couple was there. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to see them, but the sixth sense that he’d always had when Brian was around was aroused within him. He had even felt a twinge familiar to the previous night when Justin had first entered the concert hall. Even now, if felt like much more time had passed than the thirty or so hours since his brother’s young artist first wandered into his life.

A perfect harmonic resonated throughout the concert hall, courtesy of the flawless acoustics that were the trademark of a New York concert venue and the mastery of the artist’s pitch and timbre. Brian let his mind wander to the beautiful man on stage. The similarities between them went beyond the physical, and they were obvious even to Brian. Ian has mastered not only the art of his instrument, but the art of mesmerizing his audience. It was not unlike being at the top of the advertising game, and holding spellbound a boardroom full of prospective clients. The level of mastery and expertise were almost identical.

Justin sat with his fingers entwined with Brian’s, lost in the haunting beauty of the cello concerto. He was relieved to be swept away from the thoughts of the discussion to come between Ian and Brian. While Justin was initially surprised that his lover decided to attend the concert, he could tell that Brian was caught up in the spectacle and brilliance of the evening. His partner was sophisticated and cultured enough to appreciate the talent displayed here, even if the genre of the music was not to his particular taste. But even as he enjoyed the simplicity of holding his lover’s hand and enjoying music together, Justin couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss for all the years that these two talented, intelligent, and beautiful men wasted on hatred based on misinformation and erroneous assumptions.

As expected, when the concert ended, the applause of the crowd and standing ovations forced another encore from the cellist’s repertoire. Ian once again signaled for the crowd to quiet and pulled his chair forward for the solo performance. “It has been a great pleasure and honor for me to play for such a sophisticated and warm audience, and with such a talented orchestra,” Ian started, interrupted once again by applause for the members of the university symphony. He applauded the conductor and orchestra, then held his hands up to quiet the crowd once again. “Tonight, at my last performance before I return to England, I would like to dedicate this encore to family; the ones that we’re born into, and the special members that we choose to share our lives.”

Justin knew better than to say anything or to look at Brian after such a bold statement by his brother. Brian’s tolerance for such sentimentality, particularly under circumstances such as these, was almost always very low. But a glance to his lover’s face from the corner of his eye caught Brian staring brazenly at his brother, blinking furiously as if trying to keep his emotions at bay. The encore was brilliant, and Brian joined in the applause with what Justin thought to be rather uncharacteristic enthusiasm.

“Do you want to go backstage?” Justin asked tentatively, as they were making their way through the crowds and out of the concert hall. He didn’t want to push his luck.

Brian stopped and looked deep into Justin’s eyes. “He knows we’re here,” Brian answered. “We can’t very well talk back there with the crowds, and you and I have a lot to think about before tomorrow morning.”

“Are you hungry?” Justin added, finally relaxing enough from the tension of the evening to notice his usual growling stomach.

“Can we just go back to your place and order some of that famous New York take out,” Brian said, with a lighter note returning to his voice. “I just want to relax and wax artistic myself,” he added seductively. “With perfect fingering and just the right strokes, I’m sure that we can make some really beautiful sounds ourselves.” Brian pulled Justin against him, kissed him just behind his ear, and led him out into the brisk evening air.

After arriving back at the apartment, they settled into a comfortable, familiar pattern of feeding each other finger foods, pausing to eat off of each other’s naked bodies any food or sauce that didn’t make it to their mouths. Their laughter and teasing brought back a longing for the shared daily tasks that were so much a part of their lives when they were together in Pittsburgh. As they became more sated from the food, their other hungers became more pressing, and they ended up having two passionate rounds of sex, both feeling the need to connect before the inevitable separation.

“Justin,” Brian started, reaching over to make a physical connection once again. “I have to go back tomorrow, and I need to know some things.”

As much as Justin had always wanted to have a real conversation with Brian, he couldn’t help but dread this one. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know Brian,” he answered, trying to appear more sure of himself than he actually felt.

“How do you feel about Ian?” Brian asked, glancing up to see his lover’s reaction to the question.

“I don’t know him really,” Justin replied hesitantly. “I know that he hurt you, and I know that you have an incredible amount of awful history between you, but I can’t help but hope that somehow you both could begin to put that behind you. You sacrificed yourself to save him, Brian. He owes you a tremendous debt. But I know you; you never were a stickler for making people repay their debts.” A small smile started at the corner of Justin’s mouth, and Brian couldn’t help but grin just a little himself.

“Besides,” Justin continued, “there is no way that he could ever give you back those years and that innocence that you sacrificed for him. There’s no way that he could ever give you back your first love, or the ability to let another person into your heart without reservation. But I owe him everything. If it hadn’t been for him, you would have probably been with another man, and I would have never met you. I’m so sorry for the pain that he caused you. But Brian, you have to forgive me for being grateful to him for making it possible for me to know you and love you. You saved his life Brian. And by making it possible for me to love you, he saved mine.”

Brian pulled Justin into his arms once again. “What’s going to happen to us, Justin?” Brian asked quietly. “I know that you graduate soon, but I don’t know your plans after that. When will you hear about the art show?”

“I’m sure that I will hear soon, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything,” Justin replied.

“Justin,” Brian said softly, cupping his face softly and turning his head to look straight into his eyes. “You are a very gifted artist. You need to be able to take advantage of all of the opportunities that this show could present for you. I just want to know where you need to be.”

“I need to be with you, Brian,” Justin said firmly. “This whole experience with your brother and my art and the show and the concert…it has only pointed out to me that I need to be with you, more than I ever realized. I want to have a New York agent, and maybe this show will open those doors for me. I may need to come to New York frequently; in fact, I hope I do, because that would mean that my work is respected here. But it is all empty, hollow, if I don’t have you to share it with me. I need you to inspire me and support me, and I want to be there for you as well. I want to be your partner. I want to love you, and I want you to love me. Not from a distance, but as integral parts of each other’s lives. Do you want that too, Brian?”

Brian was transfixed by the love and admiration that he found in Justin’s eyes. He looked back and forth between them as if he wanted to be sure that both of them revealed the same intensity of emotions. He took a deep breath and willed his body to relax. “I never wanted to need it, Justin, but I do. Not only do I want to be with you; it’s like I’ve been in some sort of suspended animation, just going through the motions until you came back into my life to wake me up and let me live. I have to go back to Pittsburgh, but I want to come back here as often as I can until you graduate. And after that, I hope that we can work out some arrangement that will let us be together, both here and in the Pitts. Do you think we can do that?”

“If you want it badly enough, and I want it badly enough,” Justin replied with an enormous grin spreading over his face, “we can do anything. We’ll make it work, Brian. We love each other too much not to. We need each other too much not to.”

“God, that is about the most fucking sappy, lesbianic thing I’ve ever heard,” Brian said as he pulled Justin into his arms again, “even if it is true. Now can we please fuck some more; I have at least 20 or 30 more good fucks left before I have to leave.”

“Ever the romantic,” Justin chuckled, as he let Brian pin him to the bed once again, amazed that he was getting hard all over again.

Brian awoke the next morning with his arms once again full of his beautiful blond boy. Justin was never more beautiful than he was right now. But Brian’s mind was on what he could possibly say to his brother, who was arriving in less than an hour. What would Ian think about everything that Justin had said to him? Would he be willing or able to put the past behind him and try to have a relationship with his long estranged brother? Did he even believe that Brian was trying to protect him? And could he forgive Ian for betraying him as he had? Intellectually he knew he could, but the wounds of the past left deep scars.

Brian had showered and dressed in his jeans and wifebeater and kissed Justin goodbye before his lover went off to learn of the fate of his latest painting and leave Brian to talk to Ian alone. At exactly 10:00, there was a knock at the door. Brian looked through the peep hole and took a deep breath before opening the door.

The two brothers surveyed each other in passing as Brian stepped back to wave Ian through the door. “Is Justin here?” Ian asked while glancing around the small apartment.

“He went out to look for his fame and fortune,” Brian retorted, not quite meaning to sound as sarcastic as he did.

“He’ll find it you know,” Ian replied ominously, searching for a place where he could try to be comfortable.

“I know,” Brian replied, moving toward the small bar separating the tiny kitchen from the living area. He appeared to be searching for something under the bar. “Do you want a drink?”

“Don’t you think it’s a little early to be drinking?” Ian retorted, finally settling on the end of the small sofa.

“I don’t think there is enough booze in Ireland to smooth out this conversation,” Brian said in way of reply. “Ah ha,” Brian said with a smirk, as he pulled out the secret stash that he knew his New York artist had hidden somewhere near the now depleted alcohol supplies. “It may be too early to drink in the polite circles where you travel, but it’s never too early to get stoned,” as he held up the fruits of his search.

“Still using those old pain management skills, I see,” Ian relaxed slightly as Brian came over to sit on the opposite end of the sofa and began to roll a joint with surgeon-like precision. “We haven’t ever shared one of these, you know,” Ian reminisced, “but I sure wanted to when I saw how lazy and relaxed you used to get when you were high.”

“Better late than never,” Brian said, just before inhaling and offering Ian a hit. They were both keenly aware of their fingers touching as they passed the joint between them.

“You were there last night; I could feel you, both of you,” Ian said, more of a statement than a question. “You didn’t come backstage.”

“It would have been a little awkward, don’t you think, with all your adoring fans there,” Brian replied matter-of-factly. “All those cello lessons didn’t go to waste, I see,” he continued, trying to keep the tone as light as possible for as long as possible. Ian chuckled in reply, glancing up at the beautiful man in front of him.

“You were good, Ian,” Brian finally added. “You’ve turned into an amazing artist.” Brian seemed to think better of saying anything else, and then finally added, “I was proud of you.”

“Thank you for coming, Brian,” Ian sighed as he exhaled slowly. “I know that the symphony is not your cup of tea.” An uneasy peace settled over the room.

“So where do we go from here?” Ian finally asked, as they both began to allow the drug-induced relaxation to mellow them.

“Well, I assumed you were going back to England and I have to return to the Pitts,” Brian reflexively answered. He cringed slightly at the automatic sarcastic snarkiness of his reply. As if to soften the blow, he added, “I guess that depends on what you want to believe, Ian.”

“Does it, Brian?” Ian countered, almost surprised by his sudden anger. “I want to believe that my mother and the man that I thought was my father loved me and loved each other. I want to believe that I had a younger brother who died from a tragic disease, and that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I want to believe that the man that I thought was my uncle didn’t beat his wife’s son for sport.” Ian rubbed both of his hands over his face, unable to look Brian in the eyes. He added quietly, “I want to believe that the brave kid that I thought was my cousin and turned out to be my brother cared enough about me to do whatever he had to do to protect me from my evil uncle. I want to believe that doing that for me didn’t ruin any chance he had at having a life without unbearable pain. I want to believe that my petty revenge for a non-existent crime didn’t destroy any chance that he had to really love and be loved.” Ian’s voice broke, and he took a deep breath to attempt to hold his emotions at bay.

Brian was at a loss for words. He knew better than to just say what came naturally, so he didn’t say anything for several minutes. Finally, he thought that Ian looked like he was either going to break or get ready to bolt, so Brian figured he didn’t have much to lose at that point. “Justin said that he owed you a great deal,” he offered, wondering how Ian would respond. “He said that if you hadn’t broken up my first fling, he never would have had a chance to know me. And while I think that that might have been a good thing for him, he seems to think that he needs me, and I know now just how much I need him.”

“Justin’s a remarkable young man, Brian,” Ian finally replied. “It is obvious how much you two love each other. Don’t let your careers get in the way this time.”

Brian chuckled, breaking the serious mood. “You’re giving me advice on my love life now?” he said jokingly. “You’re either the bravest man I’ve ever met or the most hopelessly optimistic.”

Justin’s head was spinning. He had just learned that the university arts committee had approved his late entry into the art show at Professor Compton’s recommendation. They had been impressed with the “technical prowess and artistic intensity that the piece had displayed.” He was holding the note in his hand, reading that phrase over and over to himself. He couldn’t wait to tell Brian, but he was leery to go back to the apartment too soon. After wandering around campus as long as he could stand, he decided to risk a quick call to Brian’s cell.

Brian and Ian ended up sprawled out on the tiny sofa, becoming more and more wasted, when Brian heard Justin’s ring on his cell. “Hey,” he said lazily into the phone. “It’s safe to come back into the water now,” he slurred. “The shark and the dolphin are playing nice together again.”

Justin knew that these obtuse references meant that Brian had most likely found his stash, previously lifted from Brian’s own on his last visit to the Pitts. “You’re stoned,” he said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

“And you’re stating the obvious, Sunshine,” Brian answered. “But you need to hurry on home now so that you can catch up, because my brother and I are waaay ahead of you.”

Justin laughed and he felt a weight lift off him. “You mean there’s any left for me?” he asked playfully. “More importantly, is there anything there to ward off the munchies?”

“Now that you mention it, Sunshine, why don’t you stop and grab something for us to eat on your way home.” Brian cleared his throat and tried to do the same to his head, suddenly remembering where Justin had been. “Do we have anything to celebrate?” Justin couldn’t believe that Brian could possibly remember that he was expecting to hear about the art show.

“The celebration has already started on this end,” Justin replied eagerly. “What about you two?”

“Let’s just say that I think that the three of us may be doing a lot of celebrating on both continents in the future,” Brian answered, waving off the joint that was offered once again. “Now hurry up, Sunshine; we have many years of celebrations to make up for, and we can’t do it right without you.”

“If I have anything to say about it, Brian,” Justin added warmly, “you’ll never have to do without me again.”

~fin~